After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health complications and other risks. Here are some pros and cons of waiting until later in life to have children:


  • Have had more time to judge other people for how they raise their kids
  • Obligation to one day care for elderly mother psychologically reinforced in child from infancy
  • Peace of mind from knowing you gave hopes and dreams a fair shot
  • Have already collected decades of unsubstantiated and dangerous theories on child-rearing
  • Problems in marriage have had more time to mature
  • Will hopefully be dead before seeing long-term psychological consequences of parenting manifest in children
  • Less time spent as a mother


  • No daycare facility in your retirement community
  • Social stigma of a mature parent that can provide for a child
  • Easier to blame your ruined life on a single night of unbridled passion than on four months of methodically scheduled procreative intercourse
  • Tough to keep pretending quintuplets are natural
  • Younger children may resent older siblings for being raised by parents who were still alive
  • Child born later will be born into objectively worse world
  • Without the end result of producing offspring and propagating the species, sex will continue to feel hollow and unsatisfying

After Birth

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