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The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.
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The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health complications and other risks. Here are some pros and cons of waiting until later in life to have children:

PROS

  • Have had more time to judge other people for how they raise their kids
  • Obligation to one day care for elderly mother psychologically reinforced in child from infancy
  • Peace of mind from knowing you gave hopes and dreams a fair shot
  • Have already collected decades of unsubstantiated and dangerous theories on child-rearing
  • Problems in marriage have had more time to mature
  • Will hopefully be dead before seeing long-term psychological consequences of parenting manifest in children
  • Less time spent as a mother

    CONS

  • No daycare facility in your retirement community
  • Social stigma of a mature parent that can provide for a child
  • Easier to blame your ruined life on a single night of unbridled passion than on four months of methodically scheduled procreative intercourse
  • Tough to keep pretending quintuplets are natural
  • Younger children may resent older siblings for being raised by parents who were still alive
  • Child born later will be born into objectively worse world
  • Without the end result of producing offspring and propagating the species, sex will continue to feel hollow and unsatisfying

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