GRETNA, NE— The correct theory regarding the closing of Marvin's Diner was
discarded Monday in favor of a far more exciting theory. "I bet the Omaha mafia
muscled them out," said Gretna resident Lucinda Dunfee, pondering the fate of
Marvin's Diner, which was shut down due to health-code violations. "They were taking
business away from Steak Barrel, and those guys don't care who they get mixed up
with." Dunfee noted that the restaurant's trash cans were often overturned during the
night, which was likely an act of intimidation on the part of the Omaha crime
WAKEFIELD, MA— Sarah Ammons, 14, expressed befuddlement Monday, when, during a ride
to school, her father attempted to entertain her and several friends with an impromptu
impersonation of late comedian and Hollywood Squares regular Paul Lynde. "The
next time I have a daughter, I hope it's a boy!" Bob Ammons, 41, bleated nasally in
an imitation of the once-popular pop-culture reference. "Paul Lynde." Added
Ammons: "Center square, usually sat between George Gobel and Rose Marie? Voice of
Templeton the rat?" After dropping the girls off at school, Ammons stared into his
car's rear-view mirror at the crow's feet developing around his eyes.
LOS ANGELES— For the 11th straight week, the TV Guide Channel topped the Nielsen
ratings, scoring blockbuster numbers in virtually all time slots and days of the week.
"The frustrating experience of trying to find something decent on TV has meant
ratings gold for the TV Guide Channel, Variety editor Peter Bart said. "By
providing a means to search for something—anything—worth watching, this 24-hour
electronic scroll has made itself America's most-watched channel."
WASHINGTON, DC— After attending Monday's Cabinet meeting in a flannel work shirt
and tattered jeans, Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman was gently reminded by President
Bush about the executive-branch dress code. "Say, you know, we get a lot of foreign
dignitaries coming through here," Bush told Veneman. "So I think it might be a
good idea if you had a little bit more of a professional appearance. Like maybe a nice
navy-blue dress." Bush also encouraged Veneman to consider dress shoes instead of her
usual steel-toe work boots.
VIENNA, VA— The sales associate three desks over from Chevy/Geo dealer Karl Glodek
is going on and on about the chick he banged last night, sources reported Monday.
"You would not believe the stamina on this chick. Hours. She was a total freak,"
the salesman told an unnamed friend over the phone, as well as Glodek and the couple about
to sign on a 2002 Chevy Prizm sedan. "Incredible rack, too—like, out to
here." Glodek then suggested the couple go outside for "one more look at that
beaut of a Prizm."
Item! Remember Chelsea Clinton? Wasn't it nice to have a presidential daughter who wasn't posing for Playboy or getting drunk? Instead, she was her own sweet self, full of flowers and sunshine, bringing cheer to everyone she met. Now, she's all grown up and glamorous, thanks to an expensive European makeover. It's nice to see Chelsea with her hair straightened sitting next to the likes of Gwenneth Paltrow and Madonna at Italian fashion shows. Can acting be too far off in her future? Keeping my fingers crossed...
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...
LYNN, MA—Explaining that it’s highly suspicious for such prejudice to be present in every aspect of society by mere coincidence, local 31-year-old Peter Dowling, an avid conspiracy theorist, told reporters Thursday that he is beginning to beli...