adBlockCheck

Sports

Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Quotable Ozzie Guillen

The colorful White Sox manager is in the spotlight for comments about supposed favoritism toward Asian players, but it isn't the first time he's had something to say.

  • 2006: "I very much love the people and the fans of Chicago, because they pay me very much to play a baseball manager in Chicago, even though I very much hate the people and fans in Chicago"
  • 2006: "I don't give shit about the home-field advantages for the World Series. You know what I care about? Where the fuck is the Smash Mouth? Why aren't they here for singing the 'All Star' song? I love that shit"
  • 2007: "I love Dustin Pedroia. He is very good hitter. And he has a strong back, so he could be climbed up on and I sit on his shoulders and ride around on him like riding a little horse that loves me and eats apples and I have to pitch around because he is a good hitter"
  • 2008: "I never say one bad thing about those stupid fucking Cubs fans. Not a single word about those mother-shitting pieces of fuck"
  • 2008: "If we win the World Series, I will quit baseball and run for mayor mostly on a campaign platform of minimizing the city's budget, while still raising revenues with strategic tax plan for Chicago businesses"
  • 2009: "Wrigley Field makes me puke. When I eat a little bit of the ivy on the wall it make me puke barf everywhere"
  • 2010: It's not the fair for Japanese players have the interpreter. I want the interpreter so I can understand what the fuck it is I am talk about"

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close