The Quotable Ozzie Guillen

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Vol 46 Issue 31

NFL Fans Turn Out In Droves To Watch Men Touch Cones

NEW YORK—Fans of professional football turned out more than 100,000 strong last week to watch grown men perform calisthenics, huddle around one another, and even run up to and touch orange cones, spokesmen for the NFL said Wednesday.

Illinois Does A Few Adult Films To Make Ends Meet

SPRINGFIELD, IL—After ending the 2010 fiscal year with a record $4.7 billion in unpaid bills, officials say Illinois has been actively pursuing a number of sexually explicit scenes in direct-to-DVD features until it gets back on its feet.

Albert Haynesworth

The Redskins' defensive lineman has a checkered past and is currently struggling to get into condition. Is he any good?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

The Quotable Ozzie Guillen

The colorful White Sox manager is in the spotlight for comments about supposed favoritism toward Asian players, but it isn't the first time he's had something to say.

  • 2006: "I very much love the people and the fans of Chicago, because they pay me very much to play a baseball manager in Chicago, even though I very much hate the people and fans in Chicago"
  • 2006: "I don't give shit about the home-field advantages for the World Series. You know what I care about? Where the fuck is the Smash Mouth? Why aren't they here for singing the 'All Star' song? I love that shit"
  • 2007: "I love Dustin Pedroia. He is very good hitter. And he has a strong back, so he could be climbed up on and I sit on his shoulders and ride around on him like riding a little horse that loves me and eats apples and I have to pitch around because he is a good hitter"
  • 2008: "I never say one bad thing about those stupid fucking Cubs fans. Not a single word about those mother-shitting pieces of fuck"
  • 2008: "If we win the World Series, I will quit baseball and run for mayor mostly on a campaign platform of minimizing the city's budget, while still raising revenues with strategic tax plan for Chicago businesses"
  • 2009: "Wrigley Field makes me puke. When I eat a little bit of the ivy on the wall it make me puke barf everywhere"
  • 2010: It's not the fair for Japanese players have the interpreter. I want the interpreter so I can understand what the fuck it is I am talk about"

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