MONTROSE, CA—According to acquaintances, area asshole Kris Stenstrup, 31, even shoots pool like an asshole. "He's not even good, but he still acts all macho and cool, like he's Minnesota Fats or something," roommate Lisa Darmont said Monday. "Like, whenever he sinks a shot, he blows on his pool cue and then puts it back in its invisible holster. Oh, and he loves to play 'mind games' with his 'prey,' hovering over them and whispering 'Don't be nervous' before they shoot." Darmont added that Stenstrup is also fond of singing Warren Zevon's "Werewolves Of London," from the 1986 billiards-themed film The Color Of Money, while cockily circling the table.
MARYSVILLE, OH—Union County Humane Society volunteer Catherine Moncrief, 23, admitted Monday that a small part of her was glad to see Oscar, a nippy, hyperactive dachshund, put to sleep. "I feel really guilty, but when they euthanized him, I was kind of like, 'Ha, ha—serves you right, you obnoxious little shit,'" Moncrief said. "I went through a whole bottle of hydrogen peroxide in two weeks from feeding and washing him." Moncrief then privately mused that the incessantly whimpering cocker in Cage 12 could go next for all she cares.
Ay, yo, Governor Ten Eyck, big ups to you an' yo' posse representin' to tha fullest down at tha Capitol. This be Herbert Kornfeld, a.k.a. H-Dog, a.k.a. Daddy H, a.k.a. Tha H-Luvva, tha man who professionally be known as tha Supabad Hardcore Enforca o' tha Accountz Reeceevable department of Midstate Office Supply, tha largest an' dopest retaila an' distributa' of office supplies in tha whole muthafuckin' state.
WASHINGTON, DC—Across the U.S., ceremonies have already begun to commemorate the 30th anniversary of 1973. "No one who lived through 1973 can ever forget it," said singer Tony Orlando, unveiling a plaque Monday on the National Mall reading "1973: 1973-2003." "From Richard Nixon's second inauguration to Billie Jean King's defeat of Bobby Riggs, 1973 was a special year that will be celebrated all year long." The U.S. Postal Service announced plans Tuesday to observe the milestone with a paisley stamp trumpeting "30 Years Of 1973."
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
PROVIDENCE, RI—Shedding new light on the biological underpinnings behind the behavior, scientists at Brown University announced Tuesday that eating appears to serve a number of key functions besides relieving anxiety.
MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...