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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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The Rising Cost Of Weddings

According to a survey of newlyweds across the country, the average cost of a wedding in the United States is now around $30,000, putting many couples in major debt to celebrate their big day. Here are some common costs that American couples incur at their weddings:

  • $25,000: Standard priest appearance fee
  • $200,000: Rights to My Heart Will Go On for first dance
  • $1.1 million: Lab-grown wedding cake toppers genetically identical to bride and groom
  • $30,000: Rental of chapel large enough to accommodate 900 other Moonies
  • $12: Wedding cake
  • $20,000: Flower girl lessons
  • $8,780: Something blue
  • $4,500: Soft-focus black-and-white image of one wedding ring lying atop another
  • $3,500: Maternity bridal gown
  • $550: Some embarrassing decorative bullshit that looked way better on Pinterest
  • $10,000: Love

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