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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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The Rising Cost Of Weddings

According to a survey of newlyweds across the country, the average cost of a wedding in the United States is now around $30,000, putting many couples in major debt to celebrate their big day. Here are some common costs that American couples incur at their weddings:

  • $25,000: Standard priest appearance fee
  • $200,000: Rights to My Heart Will Go On for first dance
  • $1.1 million: Lab-grown wedding cake toppers genetically identical to bride and groom
  • $30,000: Rental of chapel large enough to accommodate 900 other Moonies
  • $12: Wedding cake
  • $20,000: Flower girl lessons
  • $8,780: Something blue
  • $4,500: Soft-focus black-and-white image of one wedding ring lying atop another
  • $3,500: Maternity bridal gown
  • $550: Some embarrassing decorative bullshit that looked way better on Pinterest
  • $10,000: Love

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