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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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The Saints' Hapless History

The Saints' road to their first Super Bowl wasn't an easy one, as for years they were one of the unluckiest, most bumbling franchises in sports. We review their tale of football woe.

  • 1967: After John Gilliam returns the opening kickoff 94 yards for the team's first-ever touchdown, the Saints are out of breath for the rest of the season
  • 1970: Though he was able make a game-winning, record-setting 63-yard field goal, Tom Dempsey kicks off half his foot in the process
  • 1975: The Louisiana Superdome is built as a place to play Final Fours, Super Bowls, and huge arena rock concerts; four years later, management begrudgingly allows the Saints to play there, too
  • 1978: The NFL expands to a 16-game season, giving the Saints an opportunity to lose even more games
  • 1980: Giant paper bag placed over entire city of New Orleans
  • 1984: Running back Earl Campbell bursts through the defensive line, throws linebackers aside, and runs 80 yards to the end zone before realizing he forgot to grab the handoff
  • 1989: Third rather disappointing Mardi Gras in a row makes it impossible for the team to sign free agents
  • 1999: To acquire Ricky Williams, Mike Ditka trades the entire 1999 draft, two picks in the 2000 draft, the next four Mardi Gras parades, and the city's jazz tradition
  • 2001: Aiming to set modest, achievable goals, head coach Jim Haslett starts training camp by printing up and distributing "7-9 or Bust" T-shirts
  • 2005: In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, the Saints stay on friends' couches and play all their scheduled home games at friends' stadiums

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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