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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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The Secret

The Secret—the new self-help book and DVD that purports to channel ancient wisdom and claims that if you ask the universe for something, it will be delivered—has become a nationwide phenomenon. Here are some of the book's tips:

You deserve whatever you want no matter how awful you are

Try not to use any critical-thinking skills or logic when pondering concept of The Secret

Capitalizing on basic human feelings such as greed can bring you vast wealth

Eat a hearty breakfast every day

Please allow universe six to eight millennia to deliver

You can never be too tan

The Secret does not work if you are attempting to learn it from stolen, bootlegged, or borrowed products from Prime Time Productions

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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