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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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The Sinking Of The Titanic: 100 Years Later

Last week marked the centennial of the historic sinking of the Titanic on its maiden voyage from Southampton, England, to New York. Here's how the anniversary was commemorated:

  • The iceberg that sank the Titanic inducted into the International Iceberg Hall of Fame
  • 1,000,000 people joined hands by the Southampton dock and pictured Kate Winslet naked
  • British newspapers honored the anniversary by breaking out their seldom-used 100-point headline font
  • Carnival Cruise Lines flashmob where passengers dressed in period costumes and fought over lifeboats
  • Day trips to the middle of the Atlantic to watch whatever ships happened to be sinking
  • Riverboat casinos offered guests $50 in free chips in exchange for going whole day without saying "sinking" or "Titanic"
  • The Anti-Iceberg League sponsored its annual Melt-a-Thon, encouraging everyone around the world to burn as much fossil fuel as possible
  • Watched that movie…what was it called?…the ship going down…right, Poseidon Adventure
  • Little get-together on a houseboat

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