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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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The 'Sports Illustrated' Cover Jinx

For decades it's been assumed that making the cover of Sports Illustrated equals bad luck. Evidence indicates this may in fact be the case.

  • 1954: Eddie Mathews, Wes Westrum, and Augie Donatelli all grace the cover of the debut issue of Sports Illustrated; less than 50 years later, all are dead
  • 1961: An early attempt to disprove the cover jinx backfires horribly when figure skater Laurence Owen appears on the cover with the caption "America's Most Exciting Figure Skater Who Surely Won't Die In A Plane Crash This Week"
  • 1971: Lew Alcindor is prominently displayed on the NBA playoffs preview issue; several months later, Alcindor apparently disappears off the face of the earth
  • 1991: Sports Illustrated begins a long period of creative and journalistic decline just weeks after featuring a picture of itself on the cover
  • 1999: The magazine features a piece on Electronic Arts' decision to put a picture of a player on the cover of its Madden series of games
  • 2003: Petra Nemcova graces the cover of the swimsuit issue and within a week becomes the victim of thousands of masturbations
  • 2008: Tom Brady suffers a torn MCL and ACL after SI publishes a photo of the quarterback's knee with the caption "Indestructible"

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