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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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The Troubled Future Of Reality Shows

The recent death of DJ AM has jeopardized Gone Too Far, a yet-to-air MTV program in which he helps people battle their addictions. Likewise, the suicide of a Megan Wants A Millionaire contestant accused of murdering his ex-wife has put an end to that show. What other scandals have disrupted reality series?

  • NBC comes under fire when producers fail to vet 386-pound Biggest Loser contestant Lou Holloway, and he's revealed to actually weigh 172 pounds
  • Britain's Got Talent is temporarily thrown into disarray when a physically unattractive person is revealed to have some shred of societal worth
  • America's Got Talent is put on hiatus after Nick Cannon is stopped at the U.S.-Mexico border with a suitcase full of parrots
  • VH1's entire fall lineup is put on hold due to a syphilis outbreak among most of the shows' stars, contestants, and crew members
  • Production on Project Runway is suspended when frontrunner Christopher Straub is found to have simply glued some beads and tassels onto existing Talbots clothing during each challenge
  • The contestants on More To Love realize they aren't interested in dating other fat people and just wander off one by one
  • After learning there would be a new season of Paris Hilton's My New BFF, season-one BFF Brittany Flickinger tweets secrets she learned about Paris during their one day as "friends"
  • Filming of 18 Kids And Counting is abruptly halted after several vital organs fall out of mother Michelle Duggar's abdominal cavity through her gaping vagina
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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