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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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The Troubled Life of Amy Winehouse

Friends and family have been in the news recently urging British pop singer Amy Winehouse to quit using drugs, saying that she has a problem. What have the warning signs been?

Follow-up single to "Rehab" was "Big Fat Lid of Black Tar Heroin"

Beehive hairdo occasionally drops baggies, spoons, poppy plantations

Always in good mood or bad mood

Keith Richards seen leaving her flat looking defeated

Constantly screams "God, I love taking drugs!"

Before a show at the Hammersmith Apollo in London, Winehouse refused to go on until the stage had been cleared of all the four-headed snakes and ghosts of her ancestors

Her music thus far is pretty cool

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