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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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The Troubled Life Of Jayson Williams

Former Nets star Williams has pleaded guilty to aggravated assault in the 2002 accidental shooting death of his chauffeur, capping a years-long saga of depression and violence. We break down his troubled tale.

  • 1990: While on a street court in New York City, Williams' violent attacks on several players are mistaken for aggressive defense, leading to his draft into the NBA
  • 1992: With the stench of alcohol on his breath and blood pouring down his face, Williams is sentenced to eight years with the New Jersey Nets
  • 1994: Suffers third-degree burns on chest, neck, and face after attempting to freebase a basketball
  • 1996: Pretty good game against the Knicks
  • 1997-1998: On his best behavior, Williams resists temptation to steal ball from opponents
  • 2001: Williams has one of only five lifetime interactions with a motor vehicle in which he commits no crime
  • 2002: Eyewitnesses to the shooting step forward, claiming that immediately after the gun went off, Williams was heard to shout "Whoopsy-daisy!"
  • 2003: Williams begins an ill-fated "Legalize Accidentally Shooting People in the Face" campaign
  • 2004: After splitting an order of fries with friends at Denny's, Williams is caught stealing $1.38 in tips from an adjacent table
  • 2004: While on trial for reckless manslaughter, an intoxicated Williams accidentally shoots his lawyer with the gun marked "Exhibit A"
  • 2008: Williams shoots another guy in the face, but is able to cover it up pretty effectively this time

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