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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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The Troubled Life Of Jayson Williams

Former Nets star Williams has pleaded guilty to aggravated assault in the 2002 accidental shooting death of his chauffeur, capping a years-long saga of depression and violence. We break down his troubled tale.

  • 1990: While on a street court in New York City, Williams' violent attacks on several players are mistaken for aggressive defense, leading to his draft into the NBA
  • 1992: With the stench of alcohol on his breath and blood pouring down his face, Williams is sentenced to eight years with the New Jersey Nets
  • 1994: Suffers third-degree burns on chest, neck, and face after attempting to freebase a basketball
  • 1996: Pretty good game against the Knicks
  • 1997-1998: On his best behavior, Williams resists temptation to steal ball from opponents
  • 2001: Williams has one of only five lifetime interactions with a motor vehicle in which he commits no crime
  • 2002: Eyewitnesses to the shooting step forward, claiming that immediately after the gun went off, Williams was heard to shout "Whoopsy-daisy!"
  • 2003: Williams begins an ill-fated "Legalize Accidentally Shooting People in the Face" campaign
  • 2004: After splitting an order of fries with friends at Denny's, Williams is caught stealing $1.38 in tips from an adjacent table
  • 2004: While on trial for reckless manslaughter, an intoxicated Williams accidentally shoots his lawyer with the gun marked "Exhibit A"
  • 2008: Williams shoots another guy in the face, but is able to cover it up pretty effectively this time

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