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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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The Troubled Life Of Jayson Williams

Former Nets star Williams has pleaded guilty to aggravated assault in the 2002 accidental shooting death of his chauffeur, capping a years-long saga of depression and violence. We break down his troubled tale.

  • 1990: While on a street court in New York City, Williams' violent attacks on several players are mistaken for aggressive defense, leading to his draft into the NBA
  • 1992: With the stench of alcohol on his breath and blood pouring down his face, Williams is sentenced to eight years with the New Jersey Nets
  • 1994: Suffers third-degree burns on chest, neck, and face after attempting to freebase a basketball
  • 1996: Pretty good game against the Knicks
  • 1997-1998: On his best behavior, Williams resists temptation to steal ball from opponents
  • 2001: Williams has one of only five lifetime interactions with a motor vehicle in which he commits no crime
  • 2002: Eyewitnesses to the shooting step forward, claiming that immediately after the gun went off, Williams was heard to shout "Whoopsy-daisy!"
  • 2003: Williams begins an ill-fated "Legalize Accidentally Shooting People in the Face" campaign
  • 2004: After splitting an order of fries with friends at Denny's, Williams is caught stealing $1.38 in tips from an adjacent table
  • 2004: While on trial for reckless manslaughter, an intoxicated Williams accidentally shoots his lawyer with the gun marked "Exhibit A"
  • 2008: Williams shoots another guy in the face, but is able to cover it up pretty effectively this time

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