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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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The University Honor Code

Brandon Davies' dismissal from the BYU basketball team for honor code violations has drawn attention to the very idea of honor codes. We've outlined some of the more prominent examples for you:

  • Butler: Pretend to go to classes every day even though the only part of the university that actually exists is the gym
  • Citadel: No Second Amendment on the court
  • Indiana University: What's left of school's honor code is mostly illegible considering Bob Knight chewed it up and pissed on it in 1998
  • Miami: Strict penalties are handed down to any athlete who shorts a teammate on an eighth
  • Notre Dame: You can lie all you want, but Jesus saw what you did
  • Pacific: Code of conduct is unspecific but says players should never act in a manner that's not befitting the Pacific Ocean
  • Purdue: Students must pledge never to build, or contemplate the building of, a drum larger than the university's famous World's Largest Drum
  • University of Texas: Athletes are not allowed to take money, but any piles of money they find just lying around the place are fair game
  • UC Berkeley: Athletes are strictly forbidden from either killing the buzz or quelling the vibe
  • USC: None

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