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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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The University Honor Code

Brandon Davies' dismissal from the BYU basketball team for honor code violations has drawn attention to the very idea of honor codes. We've outlined some of the more prominent examples for you:

  • Butler: Pretend to go to classes every day even though the only part of the university that actually exists is the gym
  • Citadel: No Second Amendment on the court
  • Indiana University: What's left of school's honor code is mostly illegible considering Bob Knight chewed it up and pissed on it in 1998
  • Miami: Strict penalties are handed down to any athlete who shorts a teammate on an eighth
  • Notre Dame: You can lie all you want, but Jesus saw what you did
  • Pacific: Code of conduct is unspecific but says players should never act in a manner that's not befitting the Pacific Ocean
  • Purdue: Students must pledge never to build, or contemplate the building of, a drum larger than the university's famous World's Largest Drum
  • University of Texas: Athletes are not allowed to take money, but any piles of money they find just lying around the place are fair game
  • UC Berkeley: Athletes are strictly forbidden from either killing the buzz or quelling the vibe
  • USC: None

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