They Said I Would Never Walk Again And I Really Have To Commend Them For Their Spot-On Diagnosis

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Vol 46 Issue 05

Huge Chunk Of Nation You'd Never Want To Meet Excited For Daytona 500

NEW YORK—Although you are more interested in the pitchers and catchers reporting to spring training in a few days, or even the upcoming Winter Olympics, a significant chunk of society that you are aware of but would rather have nothing to do with is very much looking forward to the Daytona 500, NASCAR's season-opening race.

Phil Mickelson

Due to the vagaries of current events, Phil Mickelson is currently the best golfer on the PGA tour. Is he any good?

Top Recruit Tricked Into Committing To Notre Dame

ST. PAUL, MN—One of the most sought-after high school recruits of the year, Sean Harrisson, a 270-pound, 6-foot-2 linebacker, unwittingly signed with Notre Dame after Fighting Irish coach Brian Kelly played a series of mind tricks on the senior.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

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