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Timeline Of Mass Extinction

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What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

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Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

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Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

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Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

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Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.
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Timeline Of Mass Extinction

Scientists predict that human activity has put the world on the brink of the sixth mass extinction in earth’s history, an event characterized by the elimination of a large number of species within a very short period of time. Here is a timeline of extinction events over the planet’s history:

  • 450 million years ago: First Extinction: A bunch of dumb fish die
  • 450 million years ago-360 million years ago: Pretty smooth sailing, all things considered
  • 360 million years ago: Second Extinction: Following the eradication of 96 percent of all life, planet’s surviving bacteria really living it up
  • 250 million years ago: Third Extinction: Despite dire warnings of many within the scientific community, increasingly alarming assertions that another mass extinction could be imminent are largely ignored by dinosaur community
  • 205 million years ago: Fourth Extinction: End of winged crocodile species that would have blown your fucking mind
  • 65 million years ago: Fifth Extinction: Last living dinosaur on earth walks around confusedly for a few days before falling into a ravine
  • 20 million years ago: God dies
  • 1500 BCE: First inkling human beings might be plowing through every single species in path
  • 1992 CE: Kyoto Protocol tossed into path of oncoming extinction
  • 2010 CE: British Petroleum announces yearly earnings of $29.5 billion
  • 2015 CE: Town of Stonington, CT holds little recycling drive
  • 2200 CE: Sixth Extinction: Centuries of unchecked human activity wipe out 99.9 percent of all remaining species on earth; flora and fauna who are free from sin ascend to heaven
  • 2200 CE-800 million CE: Horseshoe crab racked with survivor’s guilt

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