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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Timeline Of The War On Terror

  • 0 AD–September 11, 2001: Everything fine
  • September 11, 2001: September 11, 2001
  • September 12, 2001: A determined George W. Bush responds to the Sept. 11 attacks by swiftly promising two failed wars, a nearly 10-year manhunt for the man responsible, and a devastating economic downturn
  • May 2004: World leaders meet to discuss moral ramifications of drone warfare, decide it’s fine
  • March 2005: Parker Brothers releases popular War On Terror–themed board game ‘Insurgency!’
  • June 2006: U.S. Army aborts poorly worded Operation Making Freedom Happen
  • August 2006: Charlotte, NC financial analyst Omar Abbas receives his 500,000th suspicious glance
  • December 2008: Laid-back Osama bin Laden delivers latest terrorist threat in jeans
  • June 2010: Army Special Forces manage to corner Terror in a safe house in Afghanistan but it escapes alive
  • May 2, 2011: Osama bin Laden is killed, and The Onion plans to release the photo of his dead body in 20 minutes. Come on back then.
  • May 2013: Approximately 12 people feel safe

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