Timeline Of The War On Terror

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Vol 49 Issue 21

3-Day Weekend Practically Already Over

WASHINGTON—According to sources, the long Memorial Day weekend in honor of Monday’s federal holiday is practically over already, with the hours left in said weekend dwindling away at an increasingly rapid pace even as you read this news articl...

Obama Vows To Wind Down War On Terror

After more than a decade of war, President Obama stated yesterday that the U.S. should limit drone strikes, close the Guantánamo Bay detention facility, and repeal the Authorization for Use of Military Force that was enacted after Sept.
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Timeline Of The War On Terror

  • 0 AD–September 11, 2001: Everything fine
  • September 11, 2001: September 11, 2001
  • September 12, 2001: A determined George W. Bush responds to the Sept. 11 attacks by swiftly promising two failed wars, a nearly 10-year manhunt for the man responsible, and a devastating economic downturn
  • May 2004: World leaders meet to discuss moral ramifications of drone warfare, decide it’s fine
  • March 2005: Parker Brothers releases popular War On Terror–themed board game ‘Insurgency!’
  • June 2006: U.S. Army aborts poorly worded Operation Making Freedom Happen
  • August 2006: Charlotte, NC financial analyst Omar Abbas receives his 500,000th suspicious glance
  • December 2008: Laid-back Osama bin Laden delivers latest terrorist threat in jeans
  • June 2010: Army Special Forces manage to corner Terror in a safe house in Afghanistan but it escapes alive
  • May 2, 2011: Osama bin Laden is killed, and The Onion plans to release the photo of his dead body in 20 minutes. Come on back then.
  • May 2013: Approximately 12 people feel safe
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