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Timeline Of The War On Terror

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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
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Timeline Of The War On Terror

  • 0 AD–September 11, 2001: Everything fine
  • September 11, 2001: September 11, 2001
  • September 12, 2001: A determined George W. Bush responds to the Sept. 11 attacks by swiftly promising two failed wars, a nearly 10-year manhunt for the man responsible, and a devastating economic downturn
  • May 2004: World leaders meet to discuss moral ramifications of drone warfare, decide it’s fine
  • March 2005: Parker Brothers releases popular War On Terror–themed board game ‘Insurgency!’
  • June 2006: U.S. Army aborts poorly worded Operation Making Freedom Happen
  • August 2006: Charlotte, NC financial analyst Omar Abbas receives his 500,000th suspicious glance
  • December 2008: Laid-back Osama bin Laden delivers latest terrorist threat in jeans
  • June 2010: Army Special Forces manage to corner Terror in a safe house in Afghanistan but it escapes alive
  • May 2, 2011: Osama bin Laden is killed, and The Onion plans to release the photo of his dead body in 20 minutes. Come on back then.
  • May 2013: Approximately 12 people feel safe

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