After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Tips For A Healthy Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a challenging time for any expectant mother, but eating well, getting prenatal care, and being active are all ways that women can stay healthy and feel great. Here are some tips for having a problem-free pregnancy:

  • Practice positive psychology by announcing your pregnancy before it happens
  • Once you become pregnant, it’s critical that you immediately quit smoking in public
  • Tour several hospitals and maternity wards until you find the one your insurance company will pay for
  • Schedule a prenatal screening to force yourself to confront a million what-if scenarios you’re entirely unequipped to handle
  • Encourage healthy snacking habits by inserting some finely ground flaxseed near the entrance of your uterus
  • Write a birth plan that you will immediately throw out once the real pain begins
  • Studies on whether music can affect pregnancy are inconclusive, but still, no one should listen to that much Nazareth
  • Your husband can be a great source of support on everything except the litany of physical ailments that he has no possible way of understanding
  • Run three to four miles per day until your water breaks
  • Yoga class can be a great way to reduce stress while reminding you of what you looked like before all of this
  • Avoid things that can harm your baby, such as career ambitions, thoughts of furthering your education, and any personal hobbies or interests that once gave you a sense of identity
  • If you have difficulty conceiving, don’t despair. That’s simply your body’s way of telling you to continue enjoying life for a little while longer

After Birth

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