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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Tips For A Romantic Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Here are some tips for putting together the perfect romantic evening with your loved one:

  • Make his favorite home-cooked meal and leave a trail of it leading to the bed.
  • If you forgot to buy her flowers, just point at the closest tree and tell her you planted it for her years ago.
  • Greet him at the door wearing nothing but his dead wife’s clothes.
  • Don’t worry about spending too much—you can’t. No matter what, she’ll never be happy.
  • Make yourself look like a hero by abducting a pet from your prospective lover and returning it to them on Valentine’s Day. It probably won’t work like you imagined, but it’s worth a shot.
  • Todd can be a real dick, but what are you going to do, spend Valentine’s Day alone?
  • Don’t overdo it with the gifts, but don’t underdo it either. Or don’t do it at all. We really don’t care.
  • Purchase a lifetime AAA membership for your loved one and place the card near your genitals.
  • Don’t feel guilty about chaining the kids up outside if it’s only for this one night.

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