adBlockCheck

Recent News

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
End Of Section
  • More News

Tips For A Romantic Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Here are some tips for putting together the perfect romantic evening with your loved one:

  • Make his favorite home-cooked meal and leave a trail of it leading to the bed.
  • If you forgot to buy her flowers, just point at the closest tree and tell her you planted it for her years ago.
  • Greet him at the door wearing nothing but his dead wife’s clothes.
  • Don’t worry about spending too much—you can’t. No matter what, she’ll never be happy.
  • Make yourself look like a hero by abducting a pet from your prospective lover and returning it to them on Valentine’s Day. It probably won’t work like you imagined, but it’s worth a shot.
  • Todd can be a real dick, but what are you going to do, spend Valentine’s Day alone?
  • Don’t overdo it with the gifts, but don’t underdo it either. Or don’t do it at all. We really don’t care.
  • Purchase a lifetime AAA membership for your loved one and place the card near your genitals.
  • Don’t feel guilty about chaining the kids up outside if it’s only for this one night.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close