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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Tips For A Romantic Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Here are some tips for putting together the perfect romantic evening with your loved one:

  • Make his favorite home-cooked meal and leave a trail of it leading to the bed.
  • If you forgot to buy her flowers, just point at the closest tree and tell her you planted it for her years ago.
  • Greet him at the door wearing nothing but his dead wife’s clothes.
  • Don’t worry about spending too much—you can’t. No matter what, she’ll never be happy.
  • Make yourself look like a hero by abducting a pet from your prospective lover and returning it to them on Valentine’s Day. It probably won’t work like you imagined, but it’s worth a shot.
  • Todd can be a real dick, but what are you going to do, spend Valentine’s Day alone?
  • Don’t overdo it with the gifts, but don’t underdo it either. Or don’t do it at all. We really don’t care.
  • Purchase a lifetime AAA membership for your loved one and place the card near your genitals.
  • Don’t feel guilty about chaining the kids up outside if it’s only for this one night.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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