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Tips For Achieving Peace In The Middle East

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National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S.

The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America
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Tips For Achieving Peace In The Middle East

With the Israeli-Palestinian conflict escalating, sectarian violence boiling over in Iraq, and Syria mired in a civil war that’s now more than three years old, the Middle East continues to be plagued by bloodshed and unrest. Here are The Onion’s tips for finally bringing peace to the troubled region:

  • Systematically topple each Middle Eastern citizen and covertly replace them with a more stable American-backed citizen.
  • Turn violence into a celebrated Western ideal, prompting terrorist organizations to distance themselves from it.
  • Alter accepted definition of “peace” to mean a state of constant fear and uncertainty.
  • Given that violence in the Middle East is based on highly nuanced and complex regional, ethnic, and sectarian conflicts, an equally nuanced approach must be employed by world leaders, such as blanket labeling all of one side as evil.
  • Let’s start by recognizing the fact that everyone’s really shown an amazing amount of passion and energy.
  • Focus on devising a compromise that is fair and beneficial for all sides that have strong diplomatic ties to the U.S.
  • Keep consulting the Quran or Torah. The answer must be in there somewhere.
  • Release one really fucking huge white dove.
  • Unflinching American support for Israel hasn’t gone over well with neighboring countries, so the U.S. should try acting somewhat hesitant before handing the Israeli government billions of dollars.
  • Redraw the borders in a new and completely arbitrary manner. This won’t necessarily fix anything, but at least it would cause any ensuing violence to happen in an exciting new way.
  • $100 spa gift cards to any Hamas members that recognize Israel’s right to exist.
  • Remember that as human beings, we have far more in common than we have differences, and then remember that absolutely no one in any leadership role in the Middle East would ever think like that.
  • Simply sit back and wait, as thousands of years of continuous sectarian warfare tend to have a way of simmering down by themselves.

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