Tips For Achieving Peace In The Middle East

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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Tips For Achieving Peace In The Middle East

With the Israeli-Palestinian conflict escalating, sectarian violence boiling over in Iraq, and Syria mired in a civil war that’s now more than three years old, the Middle East continues to be plagued by bloodshed and unrest. Here are The Onion’s tips for finally bringing peace to the troubled region:

  • Systematically topple each Middle Eastern citizen and covertly replace them with a more stable American-backed citizen.
  • Turn violence into a celebrated Western ideal, prompting terrorist organizations to distance themselves from it.
  • Alter accepted definition of “peace” to mean a state of constant fear and uncertainty.
  • Given that violence in the Middle East is based on highly nuanced and complex regional, ethnic, and sectarian conflicts, an equally nuanced approach must be employed by world leaders, such as blanket labeling all of one side as evil.
  • Let’s start by recognizing the fact that everyone’s really shown an amazing amount of passion and energy.
  • Focus on devising a compromise that is fair and beneficial for all sides that have strong diplomatic ties to the U.S.
  • Keep consulting the Quran or Torah. The answer must be in there somewhere.
  • Release one really fucking huge white dove.
  • Unflinching American support for Israel hasn’t gone over well with neighboring countries, so the U.S. should try acting somewhat hesitant before handing the Israeli government billions of dollars.
  • Redraw the borders in a new and completely arbitrary manner. This won’t necessarily fix anything, but at least it would cause any ensuing violence to happen in an exciting new way.
  • $100 spa gift cards to any Hamas members that recognize Israel’s right to exist.
  • Remember that as human beings, we have far more in common than we have differences, and then remember that absolutely no one in any leadership role in the Middle East would ever think like that.
  • Simply sit back and wait, as thousands of years of continuous sectarian warfare tend to have a way of simmering down by themselves.

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