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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Tips For Achieving Peace In The Middle East

With the Israeli-Palestinian conflict escalating, sectarian violence boiling over in Iraq, and Syria mired in a civil war that’s now more than three years old, the Middle East continues to be plagued by bloodshed and unrest. Here are The Onion’s tips for finally bringing peace to the troubled region:

  • Systematically topple each Middle Eastern citizen and covertly replace them with a more stable American-backed citizen.
  • Turn violence into a celebrated Western ideal, prompting terrorist organizations to distance themselves from it.
  • Alter accepted definition of “peace” to mean a state of constant fear and uncertainty.
  • Given that violence in the Middle East is based on highly nuanced and complex regional, ethnic, and sectarian conflicts, an equally nuanced approach must be employed by world leaders, such as blanket labeling all of one side as evil.
  • Let’s start by recognizing the fact that everyone’s really shown an amazing amount of passion and energy.
  • Focus on devising a compromise that is fair and beneficial for all sides that have strong diplomatic ties to the U.S.
  • Keep consulting the Quran or Torah. The answer must be in there somewhere.
  • Release one really fucking huge white dove.
  • Unflinching American support for Israel hasn’t gone over well with neighboring countries, so the U.S. should try acting somewhat hesitant before handing the Israeli government billions of dollars.
  • Redraw the borders in a new and completely arbitrary manner. This won’t necessarily fix anything, but at least it would cause any ensuing violence to happen in an exciting new way.
  • $100 spa gift cards to any Hamas members that recognize Israel’s right to exist.
  • Remember that as human beings, we have far more in common than we have differences, and then remember that absolutely no one in any leadership role in the Middle East would ever think like that.
  • Simply sit back and wait, as thousands of years of continuous sectarian warfare tend to have a way of simmering down by themselves.

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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