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Tips For Baby-Proofing Your Home

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

How U.S. Schools Can Improve Math Education

With U.S. students regularly placing behind 20 to 25 other nations in mathematics test scores, many education experts are wondering what the sources of the problem are and how we can take steps to fix them. Here’s a look at how American schools can improve their math curricula and help struggling students:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Tips For Baby-Proofing Your Home

Babies spend the first year of life exploring their surroundings by tasting and touching, which is why it’s essential for parents to be diligent in protecting them. Here are some tips for creating a safe environment for your baby:

  • To begin baby-proofing your home, immediately remove your dartboard, electric guitar, and any other vestiges of your independence.
  • Make an inventory of dangerous items in the house, and then calmly explain to your baby what they should and shouldn’t touch.
  • Before giving your child something to play with, make sure it’s not a choking hazard by pushing it down your own esophagus for a few minutes and seeing if it obstructs your airway.
  • Cultivate your baby’s sense of caution by introducing him to the work of famed Japanese director and screenwriter Yasujiro Ozu, whose films explore the beauty and sadness of life’s transience.
  • If your home has medications or cleaning supplies lying around, place your baby on a hard-to-reach shelf where he can’t get to them.
  • There’s really nothing you can do about bleach. If they want it, they’ll find it.
  • Forge a suit of armor for your child made of mithril ore, which, so the legends say, is as light as a feather yet harder than tempered steel.
  • Keep your infant away from foods that are rich in cholesterol. Heart disease is the number-one killer of Americans, and babies are no exception.
  • Unfortunately, many baby products on the market are poorly designed and dangerous. Never purchase a defective crib unless you can haggle retailers down to a good price.

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