WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.
After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
BOSWELL, IN—Saying they figured their community’s mix of high unemployment and low economic mobility would make it a prime target for the drug problem devastating similar small towns throughout the nation, residents of Boswell, IN reportedly wondered aloud Friday what was taking the heroin epidemic so long to get there.
ARLINGTON, VA—Announcing that the new 12-hour project would air on PBS next month, filmmaker Ken Burns confirmed Friday he had completed production on a documentary about all the fucking liars who claimed they watched his entire Jazz miniseries.
GLEN ROCK, NJ—Stressing that everyone is counting on them to win what they incorrectly assume to be one of the biggest games of the year, the Glen Rock Panthers soccer team is evidently under the impression that their high school’s football rivalries extend to them as well, sources confirmed Thursday.
SEATTLE—Speaking privately with advisors between campaign stops Thursday, Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson expressed his concern that he was peaking too early after reaching 9 percent in national polls, sources reported.
WASHINGTON—According to an alarming new report published Thursday by the National Center for Education Research, the majority of American students do not possess the language skills and vocabulary necessary to belittle their classmates in an effective manner.
COLUMBUS, OH—Going about his daily routine without any knowledge of what would transpire in the near future, local black man Richard Phillips was said to be blissfully unaware Thursday that his name would be a social media hashtag by the end of the week.
NEW YORK—Standing slightly crouched with her fists raised up in front of her in the middle of her campaign office’s mock stage, a blindfolded Hillary Clinton reportedly implored her high-level staffers to attack her with talking points from all sides Wednesday in preparation for next week’s first presidential debate.
WASHINGTON—Calling the grisly crime scene “deeply disturbing,” Metropolitan Police confirmed Wednesday that the dismembered body of political statistician Nate Silver had been found in a dumpster behind the Gallup organization’s headquarters.
STATESVILLE, NC—Taking note of their audible sighs and the undercurrent of resentment evident in their attempts at cooperation, gourmet cooking class instructor Dana Robertson told reporters Wednesday she could already tell which couples signed up for her French Bistro Basics course based on their marriage counselor’s recommendation.
Taping an inexpensive skeleton or pumpkin cutout to your door is the perfect way to let neighbors know you don’t have your life together.
It’s actually really easy to make cobwebs by dying your hair white and ripping it out.
Have you considered a large air-blown inflatable lawn decoration of a jack-o’-lantern or black cat? Ugh, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Glue some googly eyes to a Styrofoam coffee cup to make your own creepy coffee creature!
Hire a maid from a cleaning service and then lock her in a closet. Her kicks and screams will provide a festively “spooktacular” soundtrack to your Halloween party.
A great prank on trick-or-treaters is to dress as an inert decorative scarecrow in a rocking chair on your porch, then when children come to the door, spring from the chair swinging kitchen knives and scream “I’m going to drag you to fucking Hell” at the top of your lungs.
Place one witch hat in the middle of your porch.
A dead pet swinging from the blade of a ceiling fan makes a bone-chilling decoration. Put tiny vampire teeth in its mouth for extra laughs.
As always, put up memorial gravestones to honor your aunt Ima Goner and uncle U.R. Next, both of whom died in the 2000 bombing of the U.S.S. Cole.
If you’re not going to spend $600 on a motion-activated Headless Horseman, you might as well just call the whole thing off.
Make your house into its very own jack-o’-lantern by using a saw to hack two eyes and a jagged smile into it, and then burning the whole thing down.