After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Tips For Disciplining Your Kids

Raising children to become well-behaved adults is a challenge every parent faces. Here are The Onion’s tips for disciplining your kids:

  • Make your child prove his unquestioning obedience to you by having him break his favorite toy.
  • Your child’s friends are often the biggest influencers, so make sure to beat them whenever your child misbehaves.
  • Child development studies show that no normal school-age boy or girl is prone to bed-wetting. If your child wets his bed, he needs to fucking clean it up because he’s acting like a goddamn infant.
  • If you don’t want to spank your kids, at least show them a YouTube video of kids getting spanked.
  • Show your children a print of Edvard Munch’s The Scream, but tell them that the name of the painting is The Boy Who Didn’t Wipe His Feet Before Coming Inside.
  • Your child is less likely to misbehave if you maintain a healthy and constant sense of fear. If he asks about monsters under the bed or in the closet, respond with a shrug and a wink.
  • Taking away TV privileges is always a great punishment, but obviously don’t try this if you still have a lot of stuff you need to get done that day.
  • If God asks you to sacrifice your son, do it.

After Birth

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