Tips For Disciplining Your Kids

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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.
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Tips For Disciplining Your Kids

Raising children to become well-behaved adults is a challenge every parent faces. Here are The Onion’s tips for disciplining your kids:

  • Make your child prove his unquestioning obedience to you by having him break his favorite toy.
  • Your child’s friends are often the biggest influencers, so make sure to beat them whenever your child misbehaves.
  • Child development studies show that no normal school-age boy or girl is prone to bed-wetting. If your child wets his bed, he needs to fucking clean it up because he’s acting like a goddamn infant.
  • If you don’t want to spank your kids, at least show them a YouTube video of kids getting spanked.
  • Show your children a print of Edvard Munch’s The Scream, but tell them that the name of the painting is The Boy Who Didn’t Wipe His Feet Before Coming Inside.
  • Your child is less likely to misbehave if you maintain a healthy and constant sense of fear. If he asks about monsters under the bed or in the closet, respond with a shrug and a wink.
  • Taking away TV privileges is always a great punishment, but obviously don’t try this if you still have a lot of stuff you need to get done that day.
  • If God asks you to sacrifice your son, do it.

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