Tips For Filling Out Your Bracket

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Highlights From NFL Training Camp

With preseason games underway and preparations intensifying across the league, the NFL has had no shortage of stories to keep fans occupied before the new season kicks off. Onion Sports breaks down the biggest moments from this summer’s training camp.

55-Year-Old Guy Dominating YMCA Pickup Basketball Game

CINCINNATI—Surprising many with his impeccable fundamentals and intense style of play, sources at the Elm Street YMCA confirmed Thursday that a 55-year-old man is absolutely dominating the competition at the gym’s evening pickup basketball game.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Brewers Stay After Game To Run The Bases

MILWAUKEE—In what was sure to be a night they will remember for the rest of their lives, a group of excited Brewers players stayed after the team’s game against the White Sox Thursday evening to go onto the field and run the bases at Miller Park, sources confirmed.

Strongside/Weakside: Stephen Curry

After leading the Golden State Warriors to a league-best 67-win season, Stephen Curry was named the NBA’s Most Valuable Player. Is he any good?

After leading the Golden State Warriors to a league-best 67-win season, Stephen Curry was named the NBA’s Most Valuable Player. Is he any good?

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Entire Week Of Sports Passes Without One Person Making Play

BRISTOL, CT—Noting that they had continued watching various games with the hope that something noteworthy would eventually happen, millions of sports fans expressed their disappointment Friday after an entire week passed without a single athlete mak...

Tips For Hosting A Fantasy Football Draft

Fantasy football leagues across the country are gearing up for the NFL season. Here are some tips for hosting the perfect fantasy football draft. Be sure to tidy up a bit before allowing 11 overweight, increasingly intoxicated men to rampage throu...

Fantasy Baseball Owner Rips Team In Media

BROOKLYN, NY—Mark Mendicus, 26-year-old Staples employee and principal owner of the fantasy baseball team Beat With Uggla Stick, blasted his underperforming team in the media Monday, going so far as to single out individual players,...
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Tips For Filling Out Your Bracket

With the field of 68 teams now set, millions of college basketball fans are selecting their picks for the 2014 NCAA Tournament. Here are OSN’s tips for filling out your March Madness bracket:

  • Work deductively. Write down the 9.2 quintillion possible brackets and cross off those that won’t happen one-by-one.
  • If you go mostly by seed, make things interesting by picking a few upsets, such as Wofford over Michigan, Wofford over Texas, and Wofford over Duke.
  • Statistical models incorporating baseline hazard functions and ordered probit regressions have shown a remarkable success rate in predicting tournament results, so try making one of those.
  • This goes without saying, but always fill out your bracket clockwise.
  • Make sure to point out that the women in your bracket pool usually just pick the team whose colors they like best, but, wouldn’t you know it, that’s sometimes enough for them to win.
  • Don’t put your trust in any of the teams. They’re just kids, after all.
  • The tournament always comes down to guard play, so base your picks on some other factor you actually understand.
  • Rewatch last year’s “One Shining Moment” montage, which almost always includes Easter eggs foreshadowing the next tournament.
  • Arizona will win the 2014 NCAA championship, defeating Syracuse 67-62. Use this knowledge to your advantage.
  • Be yourself and have fun!