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Tips

Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Choosing The Right Dog For You

Once you decide to get a dog, there’s a wide range of adoptable pets to choose from, whether it’s a mutt or purebred. The Onion offers some helpful tips for choosing the dog that’s right for you.

Choosing The Right School For Your Child

With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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Tips For Fixing The Nation’s Education System

Public schools throughout the nation continue to contend with budget shortfalls and insufficient classroom resources, while U.S. test scores remain far behind those of many other developed nations. Here are measures that can be taken to fix America’s troubled education system:

  • Discourage teacher turnover by downplaying the importance of having money and respect
  • Limit school shootings to once a year in order to give students more time to focus on schoolwork
  • Allow students from disadvantaged areas to be bussed into stronger schools, such as those in Finland or South Korea
  • Maybe get some underprepared, overconfident recent college graduates in there to figure things out
  • Federal law that prevents Dylan from raising his hand and wasting everybody’s time with the wrong answer
  • Get rid of fungi unit
  • Begin offering tenure to children who have been in the public school system for more than three years
  • Offset the failures of the education system by de-emphasizing the importance of success, self-worth, and intellectual ability in our culture at large
  • Tattoo grades on foreheads to shame low performers
  • Toss Northrop Grumman another $4.5 billion and see what kind of curriculum it pumps out
  • Whatever you do, don’t change anything about a property-tax-based funding system in which rich schools get richer while poor schools get poorer. That’s working just fine.
  • Cut losses and reallocate funding to nation’s prison system

More from this section

Choosing The Right School For Your Child

With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

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