Tips For Getting In Shape

Top Headlines

Recent News

How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


Tips For Getting In Shape

With swimsuit season on the horizon, Americans across the nation are working hard to get their bodies in peak physical fitness for summer. Here are The Onion’s tips for getting in shape:

  • Set realistic, attainable goals. Rather than trying to lose 10 pounds in one day, go eat a couple handfuls of shredded cheese or watch some television instead.
  • Being fit means constantly pushing your body. Tone your legs in the car by constantly braking and pushing on the gas.
  • If you want to get in shape, the animals you eat must also be healthy. For instance, if you want a hamburger, select a promising cow 10 weeks ahead of time and hire a personal trainer to develop a bovine strength-training regimen for the cow to assiduously follow.
  • Chocolate éclairs are rich and delicious. Wait, what are we saying? You shouldn’t be thinking about that now.
  • Take the stairs up to your office! It’s one of the easiest ways to hide an increasingly weak and shapeless body from the eyes of coworkers.
  • Supplements can give any gym-goer an added boost when it comes to bulking up. Get one of those big jugs of Muscle Milk, mix it with water, and then cake yourself in it. Allow the mixture to harden and then wait three to four days within your protein cocoon while the substance works its magic.
  • There’s no better way to get your heart pumping and muscles swelling than finding a lead pipe and just beating the shit out of some guy on the street.
  • Before going up for a second helping of dessert, ask yourself, “Do I really need this?” When the answer turns out to be yes, you’ll feel much less guilty about eating it.
  • Track your daily caloric intake by keeping a food journal. For example, you might write “Turkey sandwich, 650 calories” or “Why is this so hard? Oh God, I just want to be happy.”