Tips For Getting Over The Flu

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Vol 50 Issue 01

Food Companies Cut 6.4 Trillion Calories From Products

A study has found that a group of 16 major food companies including Kraft and Coca-Cola cut a total of 6.4 trillion calories from their products between 2007 and 2012, far exceeding their pledge to slash 1.5 trillion calories by 2015.
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Tips For Getting Over The Flu

Flu season is in full swing with at least 25 states reporting widespread cases of the illness. Here are The Onion’s tips for beating the flu:

  • Be between the ages of 2 and 79
  • To prevent yourself from becoming sicker, avoid contact with any and all microscopic organisms
  • Ensure plenty of rest by getting hit by a truck and falling into a deep coma
  • Keep yourself hydrated by drinking plenty of bodily fluids
  • Put on a brave face for the children
  • Decongest your sinuses by standing over a steaming manhole cover
  • Extract powerful flu-fighting antioxidants from fruits and berries by employing separation technology to make a serum, submitting the resulting serum to an adsorption process, and using ethanol or acetate to remove and collect the adsorbed antioxidants from the serum resin
  • Dwell on your symptoms long enough and you’ll slowly convince yourself it’s syphilis
  • For God’s sake, just keep living
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