Tips For Getting Pregnant

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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.
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Tips For Getting Pregnant

While most couples aspire to have children of their own, for many the process of becoming pregnant can be a long and difficult ordeal. Here are some helpful tips to ensure that you and your partner conceive quickly and easily:

  • It’s important to choose a sexual partner you know is fertile and capable of having children, like your father.
  • Approach sex like a tedious chore and complete it with robotic detachment twice daily.
  • Remember that patience is key: A healthy woman may sometimes take up to a week to get pregnant.
  • Be offered a huge, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that would require you to move across the country, then go home to break the news to the girlfriend you’ve been considering breaking up with lately.
  • If you are struggling to become pregnant, try truly loving your partner.
  • Skip your birth control just one day and have unprotected sex three weeks later. That’s what happened to Kaitlin.
  • Make sure to find a gravel bed that’s protected but not too far out of the way to lay your eggs; otherwise potential mates may unknowingly swim right past them.
  • Try not to think about the millions of orphans in need of a home while having sex.
  • Don’t forget to ejaculate!
  • Once the Prefecture has selected you for reproductive privileges, report to Pylon 6A for auto-insemination.
  • If you are unable to conceive after two weeks of trying, give up. This is nature’s way of letting you know your body is a caustic, inhospitable cesspool and your black, frigid soul was never intended to feel motherly love.

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