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Tips For Getting Pregnant

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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

How U.S. Schools Can Improve Math Education

With U.S. students regularly placing behind 20 to 25 other nations in mathematics test scores, many education experts are wondering what the sources of the problem are and how we can take steps to fix them. Here’s a look at how American schools can improve their math curricula and help struggling students:
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  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

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Tips For Getting Pregnant

While most couples aspire to have children of their own, for many the process of becoming pregnant can be a long and difficult ordeal. Here are some helpful tips to ensure that you and your partner conceive quickly and easily:

  • It’s important to choose a sexual partner you know is fertile and capable of having children, like your father.
  • Approach sex like a tedious chore and complete it with robotic detachment twice daily.
  • Remember that patience is key: A healthy woman may sometimes take up to a week to get pregnant.
  • Be offered a huge, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that would require you to move across the country, then go home to break the news to the girlfriend you’ve been considering breaking up with lately.
  • If you are struggling to become pregnant, try truly loving your partner.
  • Skip your birth control just one day and have unprotected sex three weeks later. That’s what happened to Kaitlin.
  • Make sure to find a gravel bed that’s protected but not too far out of the way to lay your eggs; otherwise potential mates may unknowingly swim right past them.
  • Try not to think about the millions of orphans in need of a home while having sex.
  • Don’t forget to ejaculate!
  • Once the Prefecture has selected you for reproductive privileges, report to Pylon 6A for auto-insemination.
  • If you are unable to conceive after two weeks of trying, give up. This is nature’s way of letting you know your body is a caustic, inhospitable cesspool and your black, frigid soul was never intended to feel motherly love.

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