adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
End Of Section
  • More News

Tips For High School Athletes

As America's teens return to class, they return to the playing fields as well. Onion Sports prepares them for what may be the greatest time in their lives.

  • Don't just automatically take the steroids your coach gives you. Shop around for the ones that are best for you.
  • If you've been running outside in extreme heat for hours and start to see spots, that's just your body's way of keeping itself hydrated.
  • You didn't hear it from us, but Elliot's dad said he saw a college scout checking you guys out at last week's game.
  • Hazing is absolutely forbidden by the policies of your school and your athletic conference. That said, ever wonder if Freddy Engel could swim all the way across Lake Sycamore without letting a candle stuck in his ass go out?
  • Wear your team jersey/singlet on all game/meet days, just so everyone knows that you're in sports.
  • Support girl's athletics just as much as boy's, because girls need to do their cute little jumps and bouncy things, too.
  • Just remember, not everyone can become the star of the team and score the winning point in the championship game. However, if you do not do these things, you are useless and will die alone, unmourned and unloved.
  • If you're not so great at sports, don't worry. It's not too late to start smoking and get cool that way.

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close