adBlockCheck

Tips For High School Athletes

Top Headlines

Sports

Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Tips For High School Athletes

As America's teens return to class, they return to the playing fields as well. Onion Sports prepares them for what may be the greatest time in their lives.

  • Don't just automatically take the steroids your coach gives you. Shop around for the ones that are best for you.
  • If you've been running outside in extreme heat for hours and start to see spots, that's just your body's way of keeping itself hydrated.
  • You didn't hear it from us, but Elliot's dad said he saw a college scout checking you guys out at last week's game.
  • Hazing is absolutely forbidden by the policies of your school and your athletic conference. That said, ever wonder if Freddy Engel could swim all the way across Lake Sycamore without letting a candle stuck in his ass go out?
  • Wear your team jersey/singlet on all game/meet days, just so everyone knows that you're in sports.
  • Support girl's athletics just as much as boy's, because girls need to do their cute little jumps and bouncy things, too.
  • Just remember, not everyone can become the star of the team and score the winning point in the championship game. However, if you do not do these things, you are useless and will die alone, unmourned and unloved.
  • If you're not so great at sports, don't worry. It's not too late to start smoking and get cool that way.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close