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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Tips For Hosting A Fantasy Football Draft

Fantasy football leagues across the country are gearing up for the NFL season. Here are some tips for hosting the perfect fantasy football draft.

  • Be sure to tidy up a bit before allowing 11 overweight, increasingly intoxicated men to rampage through your house for five hours
  • If you can’t find an adequate draft board, feel free to scrawl your picks on the walls of your living room
  • As host, you’re allowed to make everyone’s first-round selections for them
  • Remember to put an extra bowl of ranch in the bathroom in case anyone wants to bring a chicken wing with them
  • Try as they might, women just don’t “get” fantasy football, so avoid marriage or cultivating any kind of romantic relationships in the decades leading up to the draft
  • Don’t invite Steve
  • Avoid purchasing things other than food, as anything you can’t consume will serve as a constant reminder that this event actually took place
  • After every single pick, be sure to comment about how you were going to pick that person next
  • A draft clock is necessary, so grab an hourglass from one of your board games; anything more sophisticated and it’ll look like you’re actually going to be a prick about the whole timing thing
  • For a fun change of pace, try drafting in the woods
  • Be sure to have a football on hand for you and your buddies to playfully toss around
  • If you’re a fucking idiot, it can be fun to refer to your draft site as “the war room”
  • Try to make it into at least the 10th round of the draft before allowing the sexual tension teeming between you and your friends to unceremoniously erupt

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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