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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Tips For Hosting A Fantasy Football Draft

Fantasy football leagues across the country are gearing up for the NFL season. Here are some tips for hosting the perfect fantasy football draft.

  • Be sure to tidy up a bit before allowing 11 overweight, increasingly intoxicated men to rampage through your house for five hours
  • If you can’t find an adequate draft board, feel free to scrawl your picks on the walls of your living room
  • As host, you’re allowed to make everyone’s first-round selections for them
  • Remember to put an extra bowl of ranch in the bathroom in case anyone wants to bring a chicken wing with them
  • Try as they might, women just don’t “get” fantasy football, so avoid marriage or cultivating any kind of romantic relationships in the decades leading up to the draft
  • Don’t invite Steve
  • Avoid purchasing things other than food, as anything you can’t consume will serve as a constant reminder that this event actually took place
  • After every single pick, be sure to comment about how you were going to pick that person next
  • A draft clock is necessary, so grab an hourglass from one of your board games; anything more sophisticated and it’ll look like you’re actually going to be a prick about the whole timing thing
  • For a fun change of pace, try drafting in the woods
  • Be sure to have a football on hand for you and your buddies to playfully toss around
  • If you’re a fucking idiot, it can be fun to refer to your draft site as “the war room”
  • Try to make it into at least the 10th round of the draft before allowing the sexual tension teeming between you and your friends to unceremoniously erupt

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