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Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish

Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts, talking to the high school sophomore who has become a conservative hero for refusing to learn his Spanish vocabulary.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
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Tips For Hosting A Fantasy Football Draft

Fantasy football leagues across the country are gearing up for the NFL season. Here are some tips for hosting the perfect fantasy football draft.

  • Be sure to tidy up a bit before allowing 11 overweight, increasingly intoxicated men to rampage through your house for five hours
  • If you can’t find an adequate draft board, feel free to scrawl your picks on the walls of your living room
  • As host, you’re allowed to make everyone’s first-round selections for them
  • Remember to put an extra bowl of ranch in the bathroom in case anyone wants to bring a chicken wing with them
  • Try as they might, women just don’t “get” fantasy football, so avoid marriage or cultivating any kind of romantic relationships in the decades leading up to the draft
  • Don’t invite Steve
  • Avoid purchasing things other than food, as anything you can’t consume will serve as a constant reminder that this event actually took place
  • After every single pick, be sure to comment about how you were going to pick that person next
  • A draft clock is necessary, so grab an hourglass from one of your board games; anything more sophisticated and it’ll look like you’re actually going to be a prick about the whole timing thing
  • For a fun change of pace, try drafting in the woods
  • Be sure to have a football on hand for you and your buddies to playfully toss around
  • If you’re a fucking idiot, it can be fun to refer to your draft site as “the war room”
  • Try to make it into at least the 10th round of the draft before allowing the sexual tension teeming between you and your friends to unceremoniously erupt

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