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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Tips For Hosting A Fantasy Football Draft

Fantasy football leagues across the country are gearing up for the NFL season. Here are some tips for hosting the perfect fantasy football draft.

  • Be sure to tidy up a bit before allowing 11 overweight, increasingly intoxicated men to rampage through your house for five hours
  • If you can’t find an adequate draft board, feel free to scrawl your picks on the walls of your living room
  • As host, you’re allowed to make everyone’s first-round selections for them
  • Remember to put an extra bowl of ranch in the bathroom in case anyone wants to bring a chicken wing with them
  • Try as they might, women just don’t “get” fantasy football, so avoid marriage or cultivating any kind of romantic relationships in the decades leading up to the draft
  • Don’t invite Steve
  • Avoid purchasing things other than food, as anything you can’t consume will serve as a constant reminder that this event actually took place
  • After every single pick, be sure to comment about how you were going to pick that person next
  • A draft clock is necessary, so grab an hourglass from one of your board games; anything more sophisticated and it’ll look like you’re actually going to be a prick about the whole timing thing
  • For a fun change of pace, try drafting in the woods
  • Be sure to have a football on hand for you and your buddies to playfully toss around
  • If you’re a fucking idiot, it can be fun to refer to your draft site as “the war room”
  • Try to make it into at least the 10th round of the draft before allowing the sexual tension teeming between you and your friends to unceremoniously erupt

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