Tips For Hosting A Pool Party

Top Headlines

Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Food

Tips For Hosting A Pool Party

With summer heating up and many Americans taking vacation for the Fourth of July holiday, millions across the country will be gathering together with friends and family poolside. Here are The Onion’s tips for enjoying a safe, fun, and memorable pool party:

  • Keep a bucket of sawdust on hand for guests who forgot their towels and need to dry themselves.
  • To create a playful, tropical mood, purchase some umbrella toothpicks and stick them in your eyes.
  • Soak party invitations before mailing.
  • Get people to have fun by buying enough pool noodles so that every guest has at least 20.
  • For a fun, invigorating alternative, substitute pool water with club soda.
  • Make sure that a group of fancy, well-dressed high-society types are obliviously enjoying intellectual conversation and fine hors d’oeuvres right alongside the pool’s edge before you perform the party’s inaugural cannonball.
  • Healthy snacks like watermelon slices and grilled zucchini are great for scattering throughout the pool for hungry guests.
  • If you expect your guests to be drinking a lot, put out a cup.
  • Make sure to have a moment of silence for friends who died at pool parties past.
  • Wait 30 minutes after eating before going in the pool. Never mind why. …Okay, fine, you’ll explode.