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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Tips For Hosting A Pool Party

With summer heating up and many Americans taking vacation for the Fourth of July holiday, millions across the country will be gathering together with friends and family poolside. Here are The Onion’s tips for enjoying a safe, fun, and memorable pool party:

  • Keep a bucket of sawdust on hand for guests who forgot their towels and need to dry themselves.
  • To create a playful, tropical mood, purchase some umbrella toothpicks and stick them in your eyes.
  • Soak party invitations before mailing.
  • Get people to have fun by buying enough pool noodles so that every guest has at least 20.
  • For a fun, invigorating alternative, substitute pool water with club soda.
  • Make sure that a group of fancy, well-dressed high-society types are obliviously enjoying intellectual conversation and fine hors d’oeuvres right alongside the pool’s edge before you perform the party’s inaugural cannonball.
  • Healthy snacks like watermelon slices and grilled zucchini are great for scattering throughout the pool for hungry guests.
  • If you expect your guests to be drinking a lot, put out a cup.
  • Make sure to have a moment of silence for friends who died at pool parties past.
  • Wait 30 minutes after eating before going in the pool. Never mind why. …Okay, fine, you’ll explode.

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