Tips For Improving Memory

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Life Tips

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

Tips For Conquering Phobias

Even the most rational, clear-thinking adults can have anxieties that interfere with their routine, and learning to manage them is key to living a life free from fear. Here are The Onion’s tips for conquering your phobias:

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Employee Wishes He Had Enough Job Security To Voice Opinion

PHILADELPHIA—Saying he would never jeopardize what little standing he has within the company by making any waves, Crystalpoint Systems junior sales associate Josh Morris told reporters Wednesday that he doesn’t have enough job security to actu...

Man Does What He Convinced Himself He Loves For A Living

MILWAUKEE—Explaining with a deep sense of self-delusion that his job provides a “perfect outlet” for both his creative and analytic sides, BTX Communications employee Matthew Krueger confirmed to reporters Thursday that he does exactly w...

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.
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Life Tips

Tips For Improving Memory

Many people find themselves struggling to recall an acquaintance’s name or remember where they left an important item, like their keys or cell phone. Here are a few simple brain-boosting tips that will help you avoid these mental missteps and improve your memory:

  • Keep your brain active by learning one new fact every year.
  • Every time you remember something, reward yourself with a whole banana cream pie. Mmm!
  • When struggling to recall something, place one of your palms on your forehead and close your eyes. If this doesn’t work, try placing your left hand on your chin and staring off into the distance.
  • Retire from the NFL.
  • Foods like blueberries and pistachios have been proven to enhance brain memory function and can be easily inserted through your ear directly into the temporal lobe.
  • Be sure to stretch out your brain regularly to increase flexibility and prevent injuries.
  • Memories are encoded in the brain when a pathway of neurons fires in synchrony often enough that the synaptic connections are strengthened and become permanently linked, so try to do that.
  • You no longer have any use for the Frasier theme song. Let it go to free up space.
  • It can be much easier to remember information when you use a mnemonic device, such as SLEAK JD 3MC to recall each of actor John Slattery’s TV appearances since 2000 or BosMa711 to remember John Slattery’s hometown and birth weight.
  • Proper nutrition is important for maintaining a robust memory, so make sure your diet includes the meat of highly intelligent animals, like orangutans and parrots, so that you can absorb their stored brainpower.

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