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Tips

Choosing The Right Dog For You

Once you decide to get a dog, there’s a wide range of adoptable pets to choose from, whether it’s a mutt or purebred. The Onion offers some helpful tips for choosing the dog that’s right for you.

Choosing The Right School For Your Child

With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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Tips For Keeping Warm This Winter

Millions of people are looking for ways to keep warm as temperatures plunge across the nation. Here are The Onion’s tips for staying comfortable during the coldest days of winter:

  • Body heat is the best kind of warmth. Simply cut your chest open and place your appendages inside where it’s nice and toasty.
  • Trick your brain into feeling warm by sticking flame decals on all of your possessions.
  • Whenever coming inside from the freezing outdoors, remember to shiver and say “brrr.”
  • Prevent heat from escaping by putting a hat on your thermostat.
  • For the toastiest spot in the house, head to the fireplace and crawl under burning logs.
  • Develop a thick layer of protective blubber through millions of years of evolution.
  • Keep heat in your body by tightly packing all orifices with fiberglass insulation.
  • Adopt several dogs from the local shelter, bring them home, and snuggle up next to them until you are heated throughout. Return them when finished.
  • Crouch low to the ground to cover both legs with your feathers.
  • Viewing hardcore pornography will rush warm blood to your penis, which you can then use to warm your hands. Feels good, right?

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With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

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