adBlockCheck

Tips

Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

How To Start A Community Garden

A community gardening project is a good way to spur neighborhood involvement, but it requires careful planning and logistics. Here are The Onion’s tips for starting a community garden:

Tips For Writing A Research Paper

Students at every level of the education system are required to write the occasional research paper, and some might wonder where to begin. The Onion provides some tips for writing a stellar paper:

Home Repair Tips

When projects need to be completed around the house, calling contractors can be expensive. Here are The Onion’s tips for do-it-yourself home repairs:

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

How To Throw The Perfect Surprise Party

A surprise party is a nice gesture for a friend or family member, but pulling one off requires careful planning and commitment. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing a surprise party:
End Of Section
  • More News

Tips For Keeping Warm This Winter

Millions of people are looking for ways to keep warm as temperatures plunge across the nation. Here are The Onion’s tips for staying comfortable during the coldest days of winter:

  • Body heat is the best kind of warmth. Simply cut your chest open and place your appendages inside where it’s nice and toasty.
  • Trick your brain into feeling warm by sticking flame decals on all of your possessions.
  • Whenever coming inside from the freezing outdoors, remember to shiver and say “brrr.”
  • Prevent heat from escaping by putting a hat on your thermostat.
  • For the toastiest spot in the house, head to the fireplace and crawl under burning logs.
  • Develop a thick layer of protective blubber through millions of years of evolution.
  • Keep heat in your body by tightly packing all orifices with fiberglass insulation.
  • Adopt several dogs from the local shelter, bring them home, and snuggle up next to them until you are heated throughout. Return them when finished.
  • Crouch low to the ground to cover both legs with your feathers.
  • Viewing hardcore pornography will rush warm blood to your penis, which you can then use to warm your hands. Feels good, right?
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close