Tips For Keeping Warm This Winter

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Vol 50 Issue 01

Food Companies Cut 6.4 Trillion Calories From Products

A study has found that a group of 16 major food companies including Kraft and Coca-Cola cut a total of 6.4 trillion calories from their products between 2007 and 2012, far exceeding their pledge to slash 1.5 trillion calories by 2015.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

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Tips For Keeping Warm This Winter

Millions of people are looking for ways to keep warm as temperatures plunge across the nation. Here are The Onion’s tips for staying comfortable during the coldest days of winter:

  • Body heat is the best kind of warmth. Simply cut your chest open and place your appendages inside where it’s nice and toasty.
  • Trick your brain into feeling warm by sticking flame decals on all of your possessions.
  • Whenever coming inside from the freezing outdoors, remember to shiver and say “brrr.”
  • Prevent heat from escaping by putting a hat on your thermostat.
  • For the toastiest spot in the house, head to the fireplace and crawl under burning logs.
  • Develop a thick layer of protective blubber through millions of years of evolution.
  • Keep heat in your body by tightly packing all orifices with fiberglass insulation.
  • Adopt several dogs from the local shelter, bring them home, and snuggle up next to them until you are heated throughout. Return them when finished.
  • Crouch low to the ground to cover both legs with your feathers.
  • Viewing hardcore pornography will rush warm blood to your penis, which you can then use to warm your hands. Feels good, right?
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