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Tips

Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

How To Start A Community Garden

A community gardening project is a good way to spur neighborhood involvement, but it requires careful planning and logistics. Here are The Onion’s tips for starting a community garden:

Tips For Writing A Research Paper

Students at every level of the education system are required to write the occasional research paper, and some might wonder where to begin. The Onion provides some tips for writing a stellar paper:

Home Repair Tips

When projects need to be completed around the house, calling contractors can be expensive. Here are The Onion’s tips for do-it-yourself home repairs:

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

How To Throw The Perfect Surprise Party

A surprise party is a nice gesture for a friend or family member, but pulling one off requires careful planning and commitment. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing a surprise party:
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Tips For Living Longer

Thanks to better medical care and higher quality of life, human beings are living longer than ever. However, longevity is determined by more than just your genes and living conditions. Here are some things that you can do to extend your lifespan:

  • Avoid overeating by unplugging your refrigerator, locking it up, and throwing it into a gorge between each meal
  • Cut car accidents out of your routine as much as possible
  • Pet owners have demonstrably longer lifespans than those who live without furry friends, so enslave as many small mammals as your schedule and budget allow
  • Stretch after taking a shower for some reason
  • Be sure to balance your intake of healthy and unhealthy cigarettes
  • Studies show that spiritual people live longer. Be spiritual, but not so spiritual that you think you’ll actually get eternal life after this. This is it.
  • Eat 1,273 carrots
  • Staying positive can greatly increase one’s lifespan, so try to maintain an outlook that flies directly in the face of pretty much everything that ever happens
  • Lastly, ask yourself if living longer is something you really want to do to the rest of your family
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