adBlockCheck

Tips

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
End Of Section
  • More News

Tips For Living Longer

Thanks to better medical care and higher quality of life, human beings are living longer than ever. However, longevity is determined by more than just your genes and living conditions. Here are some things that you can do to extend your lifespan:

  • Avoid overeating by unplugging your refrigerator, locking it up, and throwing it into a gorge between each meal
  • Cut car accidents out of your routine as much as possible
  • Pet owners have demonstrably longer lifespans than those who live without furry friends, so enslave as many small mammals as your schedule and budget allow
  • Stretch after taking a shower for some reason
  • Be sure to balance your intake of healthy and unhealthy cigarettes
  • Studies show that spiritual people live longer. Be spiritual, but not so spiritual that you think you’ll actually get eternal life after this. This is it.
  • Eat 1,273 carrots
  • Staying positive can greatly increase one’s lifespan, so try to maintain an outlook that flies directly in the face of pretty much everything that ever happens
  • Lastly, ask yourself if living longer is something you really want to do to the rest of your family

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close