Tips For New College Graduates

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Tips For New College Graduates

  • Find the shittiest apartment known to humankind and move in with three people you don’t know from Craigslist
  • Send one resume out and wait at least one year to hear back
  • Remember to use your $35 Best Buy graduation gift card from your uncle wisely
  • Contract any severe diseases now while you’re still covered under your parents’ health insurance
  • Tell people you want to go into venture capital and they’ll be impressed
  • Whole Foods stores throw out a surprising amount of hummus that is still totally fine
  • As you begin your job search, make sure there are no typos on the first 11 or 12 pages of your cover letter
  • If you want to explore your interests and expand your horizons, you should’ve done that two years ago when you had the chance
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