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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Tips For New College Graduates

  • Find the shittiest apartment known to humankind and move in with three people you don’t know from Craigslist
  • Send one resume out and wait at least one year to hear back
  • Remember to use your $35 Best Buy graduation gift card from your uncle wisely
  • Contract any severe diseases now while you’re still covered under your parents’ health insurance
  • Tell people you want to go into venture capital and they’ll be impressed
  • Whole Foods stores throw out a surprising amount of hummus that is still totally fine
  • As you begin your job search, make sure there are no typos on the first 11 or 12 pages of your cover letter
  • If you want to explore your interests and expand your horizons, you should’ve done that two years ago when you had the chance

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