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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Tips For New College Graduates

  • Find the shittiest apartment known to humankind and move in with three people you don’t know from Craigslist
  • Send one resume out and wait at least one year to hear back
  • Remember to use your $35 Best Buy graduation gift card from your uncle wisely
  • Contract any severe diseases now while you’re still covered under your parents’ health insurance
  • Tell people you want to go into venture capital and they’ll be impressed
  • Whole Foods stores throw out a surprising amount of hummus that is still totally fine
  • As you begin your job search, make sure there are no typos on the first 11 or 12 pages of your cover letter
  • If you want to explore your interests and expand your horizons, you should’ve done that two years ago when you had the chance
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