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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
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Tips For New College Graduates

  • Find the shittiest apartment known to humankind and move in with three people you don’t know from Craigslist
  • Send one resume out and wait at least one year to hear back
  • Remember to use your $35 Best Buy graduation gift card from your uncle wisely
  • Contract any severe diseases now while you’re still covered under your parents’ health insurance
  • Tell people you want to go into venture capital and they’ll be impressed
  • Whole Foods stores throw out a surprising amount of hummus that is still totally fine
  • As you begin your job search, make sure there are no typos on the first 11 or 12 pages of your cover letter
  • If you want to explore your interests and expand your horizons, you should’ve done that two years ago when you had the chance

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