Tips For Pulling An All-Nighter

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Tips For Pulling An All-Nighter

Getting a good night’s sleep is imperative for good health, but once in a while it’s necessary to stay up all night to get work done. Here are The Onion’s tips for pulling an all-nighter:

  • Before you decide to pull an all-nighter, ask yourself if you can afford to put off your work another day, beg your boss for an extension, and pull an even more stressful all-nighter the following night.
  • Think of the thrill that will come from getting to display your Facebook status as, “All-nighter…Let’s do this!!”
  • Keep multiple tabs on your browser open for quicker access to any website you haven’t visited in the last five minutes.
  • Pulling an all-nighter requires energy and focus, so get a good seven or eight hours of sleep before you begin.
  • Just keep your goddamn eyes on the ridgeline and unload the 50-cal if you see any movement.
  • When you hit an important milestone, reward yourself by taking a quick break to watch six episodes of The Wire.
  • You’re going to be at this all night, so get comfortable! Put on some big warm pajamas, throw a few nice plush pillows on your bed, snuggle up in a comforter, and get to work.
  • Roll down the window, scream at the top of your lungs, and slap yourself in the face, because if this semi-trailer full of hogs isn’t delivered by 6 a.m., your ass is grass.
  • To achieve the best possible results, it’s best not to dwell on the fact that whatever you’re working on doesn’t really matter to anyone.