Tips For Pulling An All-Nighter

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:


Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Tips For Pulling An All-Nighter

Getting a good night’s sleep is imperative for good health, but once in a while it’s necessary to stay up all night to get work done. Here are The Onion’s tips for pulling an all-nighter:

  • Before you decide to pull an all-nighter, ask yourself if you can afford to put off your work another day, beg your boss for an extension, and pull an even more stressful all-nighter the following night.
  • Think of the thrill that will come from getting to display your Facebook status as, “All-nighter…Let’s do this!!”
  • Keep multiple tabs on your browser open for quicker access to any website you haven’t visited in the last five minutes.
  • Pulling an all-nighter requires energy and focus, so get a good seven or eight hours of sleep before you begin.
  • Just keep your goddamn eyes on the ridgeline and unload the 50-cal if you see any movement.
  • When you hit an important milestone, reward yourself by taking a quick break to watch six episodes of The Wire.
  • You’re going to be at this all night, so get comfortable! Put on some big warm pajamas, throw a few nice plush pillows on your bed, snuggle up in a comforter, and get to work.
  • Roll down the window, scream at the top of your lungs, and slap yourself in the face, because if this semi-trailer full of hogs isn’t delivered by 6 a.m., your ass is grass.
  • To achieve the best possible results, it’s best not to dwell on the fact that whatever you’re working on doesn’t really matter to anyone.