Tips For The Perfect Cruise

Top Headlines

Recent News

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Tips For The Perfect Cruise

Summer is a popular time of year for cruises, with everyone from singles and families to veteran passengers and honeymooners hitting the high seas on luxury liners to visit destinations around the world. Here are some tips for turning your cruise into a vacation you’ll never forget:

  • Before embarking, carefully study the figures in the brochure to get your enjoyment face just right.
  • Don’t sweat it if you’re traveling alone. Cruises are the perfect way to meet people who are unable to escape you.
  • Be sure to check out the ship’s daily report for fun and interesting charges you can incur throughout the day.
  • Speak nothing of the actions you took part in on the mainland. You are a ward of the sea now. The past is the past.
  • Although cruises offer lots of different activities, sometimes it’s best to just sit in the sun, relax, and throw chum off the side of the ship.
  • Many ships offer drop-in child care. Don’t let yourself think about what type of person would take a job there.
  • You and Jim have got to see that magician in the top deck auditorium. He’s an absolute riot!
  • Accept the fact that your daughter will be getting beaded cornrows no matter which country you visit.
  • Mealtimes are an opportunity to meet other passengers, so quickly load up your plate and eat in your cabin.
  • Get ready to limbo! Doesn’t matter whether you want to or not. We came here to have fun, not lie around in bed all day. You’re doing it.
  • Make the most of your time at stops in port cities along the way. Absorb as much as you can about the local culture by buying a magnet with a parrot on it.
  • Try as you might, your vacation photos will never look half as good as the 1985 pictures of your aunt with her giant bleached perm and cheap two-tone Wayfarer shades drinking giant margaritas and piña coladas.