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Tips

Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Choosing The Right Dog For You

Once you decide to get a dog, there’s a wide range of adoptable pets to choose from, whether it’s a mutt or purebred. The Onion offers some helpful tips for choosing the dog that’s right for you.

Choosing The Right School For Your Child

With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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Tips For The Perfect Cruise

Summer is a popular time of year for cruises, with everyone from singles and families to veteran passengers and honeymooners hitting the high seas on luxury liners to visit destinations around the world. Here are some tips for turning your cruise into a vacation you’ll never forget:

  • Before embarking, carefully study the figures in the brochure to get your enjoyment face just right.
  • Don’t sweat it if you’re traveling alone. Cruises are the perfect way to meet people who are unable to escape you.
  • Be sure to check out the ship’s daily report for fun and interesting charges you can incur throughout the day.
  • Speak nothing of the actions you took part in on the mainland. You are a ward of the sea now. The past is the past.
  • Although cruises offer lots of different activities, sometimes it’s best to just sit in the sun, relax, and throw chum off the side of the ship.
  • Many ships offer drop-in child care. Don’t let yourself think about what type of person would take a job there.
  • You and Jim have got to see that magician in the top deck auditorium. He’s an absolute riot!
  • Accept the fact that your daughter will be getting beaded cornrows no matter which country you visit.
  • Mealtimes are an opportunity to meet other passengers, so quickly load up your plate and eat in your cabin.
  • Get ready to limbo! Doesn’t matter whether you want to or not. We came here to have fun, not lie around in bed all day. You’re doing it.
  • Make the most of your time at stops in port cities along the way. Absorb as much as you can about the local culture by buying a magnet with a parrot on it.
  • Try as you might, your vacation photos will never look half as good as the 1985 pictures of your aunt with her giant bleached perm and cheap two-tone Wayfarer shades drinking giant margaritas and piña coladas.

More from this section

Choosing The Right School For Your Child

With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

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