A gunman at a Dearborn, MI Walmart is holding dozens of shoppers who say they only happened to be at the tacky megachain by coincidence.
Here are The Onion’s tips for getting out of debt quickly and painlessly:
- First, to discourage impulsive spending, cut up all your credit cards and paper money.
- Make your assorted debts more manageable by spreading them out over several false identities.
- Organization is key. Make a spreadsheet to neatly list all your minimum payments, interest rates, and remaining unfractured kneecaps.
- Find inspiration in someone whose credit score you admire and tape their photo to the front of your wallet.
- Ask credit card issuers for a lower rate on your balances. It’s likely they were unaware that you would prefer to owe them less money.
- Look for everyday ways to reduce expenses. For instance, the average American saves $3,000 per year simply by switching to blended scotch.
- Set up autopay options to consistently overdraft in a timely fashion.
- Use cash for purchases instead of credit. If you don’t have cash, borrow a bunch from friends and family.
- Remember, you are more than just your credit score. You are the sum total of misguided decisions and assorted demographic factors that earned you that score.