CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.
Here are The Onion’s tips for getting out of debt quickly and painlessly:
- First, to discourage impulsive spending, cut up all your credit cards and paper money.
- Make your assorted debts more manageable by spreading them out over several false identities.
- Organization is key. Make a spreadsheet to neatly list all your minimum payments, interest rates, and remaining unfractured kneecaps.
- Find inspiration in someone whose credit score you admire and tape their photo to the front of your wallet.
- Ask credit card issuers for a lower rate on your balances. It’s likely they were unaware that you would prefer to owe them less money.
- Look for everyday ways to reduce expenses. For instance, the average American saves $3,000 per year simply by switching to blended scotch.
- Set up autopay options to consistently overdraft in a timely fashion.
- Use cash for purchases instead of credit. If you don’t have cash, borrow a bunch from friends and family.
- Remember, you are more than just your credit score. You are the sum total of misguided decisions and assorted demographic factors that earned you that score.