‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters
WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.
Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.
ATHENS, GA—Enumerating the variety of health benefits that result from the practice, a study released Tuesday by the Department of Entomology at the University of Georgia recommends all insects spend at least 30 minutes skittering per day.
BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
VATICAN CITY—Saying it was probably a good idea to give Him some space for the next little while, Pope Francis warned Catholic worshippers this week that now is not the best time to bother God, sources confirmed.
WASHINGTON—Stating that the measure was essential for holding down the beat and getting people outta their seat, Congress reportedly allocated $500 million Monday for the development of funkier bass lines.
WASHINGTON—Noting that the two-week spectacle had likely stirred up a newfound passion and enthusiasm for the Games, reports confirmed Monday that some dumb fuck out there probably wants his city to host the Olympics now.
LOS ANGELES—Fondly imagining herself having her own cubicle in the office that will be rented out to a different business by spring, Cordcrusher Media intern Nicole Dunn, 21, told reporters Monday she’s hoping to land a full-time position at the company that will not exist in eight months.
NEW YORK—Explaining that the change in aesthetic preference would take effect immediately, executives from every major beauty industry company held a press conference Monday in which they told consumers “You like short hair now.”
RIO DE JANEIRO—Spotting the wide-eyed athletes waiting near the Maracanã Stadium exit, Simone Biles reportedly threw one of her gold medals to the adoring U.S. men’s gymnastics team Sunday, encouraging the Olympians to “keep it.”
RIO DE JANEIRO—Reflecting on the recently concluded 2016 Summer Games in Rio, members of the International Olympic Committee held a press conference Sunday to proudly announce that on the whole, only about four or five really terrible things happened.
MOSCOW—Stressing that they are on the precipice of a major crisis, Russian Olympic Committee officials held a press conference Friday to confirm that the team’s clean urine reservoir is almost fully depleted.
Start with a broad sweep of the area, noting any scratches in a wall, scuff marks on the floor, or a notarized letter of confession signed by the perpetrator.
Wrap a perimeter of yellow barricade tape around all possible suspects.
Carefully label and photograph each individual piece of evidence immediately after you’ve tampered with it.
Wait a minute. What was that? Go back to that last photograph. Enhance that area. Yeah, right there. Can you zoom in a little? My god, that’s it—what we’ve been looking for this whole time! Right in front of our noses!
Any gawkers should be kept barred from the crime scene, unless of course they’re very curious.