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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Tips For Investigating A Crime Scene

  • Start with a broad sweep of the area, noting any scratches in a wall, scuff marks on the floor, or a notarized letter of confession signed by the perpetrator.
  • Wrap a perimeter of yellow barricade tape around all possible suspects.
  • Carefully label and photograph each individual piece of evidence immediately after you’ve tampered with it.
  • Wait a minute. What was that? Go back to that last photograph. Enhance that area. Yeah, right there. Can you zoom in a little? My god, that’s it—what we’ve been looking for this whole time! Right in front of our noses!
  • Any gawkers should be kept barred from the crime scene, unless of course they’re very curious.


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