adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
End Of Section
  • More News

Tips For Investigating A Crime Scene

  • Start with a broad sweep of the area, noting any scratches in a wall, scuff marks on the floor, or a notarized letter of confession signed by the perpetrator.
  • Wrap a perimeter of yellow barricade tape around all possible suspects.
  • Carefully label and photograph each individual piece of evidence immediately after you’ve tampered with it.
  • Wait a minute. What was that? Go back to that last photograph. Enhance that area. Yeah, right there. Can you zoom in a little? My god, that’s it—what we’ve been looking for this whole time! Right in front of our noses!
  • Any gawkers should be kept barred from the crime scene, unless of course they’re very curious.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close