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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Tips For Proper Body Disposal

  • Remove any unique identifiers from the body like wallets, jewelry, fingerprints, corneas, and face.
  • Purchase a 50-gallon high-density polyethylene container at your local hardware store. Fill with hydrofluoric acid, lower in the body, close the container, then return it to the hardware store. You don’t want it lying around your house incriminating you.
  • A hacksaw or circular blade of at least quarter-inch thickness will be best for handling any tricky femurs.
  • Bodies found far from the crime scene can make it harder to pin down a suspect, so why not use this as an opportunity to take that road trip you’ve been talking about for years?
  • Always have a plan B. Namely, a few starving pigs out back.


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