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Tips For Proper Body Disposal

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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Tips For Proper Body Disposal

  • Remove any unique identifiers from the body like wallets, jewelry, fingerprints, corneas, and face.
  • Purchase a 50-gallon high-density polyethylene container at your local hardware store. Fill with hydrofluoric acid, lower in the body, close the container, then return it to the hardware store. You don’t want it lying around your house incriminating you.
  • A hacksaw or circular blade of at least quarter-inch thickness will be best for handling any tricky femurs.
  • Bodies found far from the crime scene can make it harder to pin down a suspect, so why not use this as an opportunity to take that road trip you’ve been talking about for years?
  • Always have a plan B. Namely, a few starving pigs out back.


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