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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Tips For Proper Body Disposal

  • Remove any unique identifiers from the body like wallets, jewelry, fingerprints, corneas, and face.
  • Purchase a 50-gallon high-density polyethylene container at your local hardware store. Fill with hydrofluoric acid, lower in the body, close the container, then return it to the hardware store. You don’t want it lying around your house incriminating you.
  • A hacksaw or circular blade of at least quarter-inch thickness will be best for handling any tricky femurs.
  • Bodies found far from the crime scene can make it harder to pin down a suspect, so why not use this as an opportunity to take that road trip you’ve been talking about for years?
  • Always have a plan B. Namely, a few starving pigs out back.


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