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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Tips For Spoiling Your Cat

  • Throw in a few extra brushing sessions on top of the required 25 per day.
  • Double your daily calorie intake to expand the width of your lap.
  • You don’t need a special occasion to treat them to an empty cardboard box in the middle of the week!
  • Indulge your pet by setting aside an area of the house that’s just for him, such as your bed or laptop keyboard.
  • Give your cat an extra-special treat by devoting an entire day to leaving him alone.


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