ELMHURST, IL—Furrowing his brow and nodding along to his wife’s pricing and location concerns Tuesday, local man Grant Foster’s sole contribution to the search for a new home has reportedly been to periodically tell his wife he wishes he knew how to help.
With protests effecting change at colleges and universities across the country, many students are looking to follow the example and bring awareness to causes of their own. Here are The Onion’s tips for successful campus activism:
- Before you start, be completely honest with yourself about whether or not your cause is stupid.
- Build a strong membership base of whoever is available from 4-7 on Tuesday nights when Lesher Hall auditorium is available to reserve.
- Go the extra mile by purchasing the sidewalk chalk set with the greatest variety of colors.
- Encourage participation. Make sure that everyone who agrees with you has a voice.
- Start with short sets of indignation before working up to longer endurance sets, flexing your disbelief and moral outrage for 10-15 reps per set.
- Find mentorship among faculty, unless an egregious lack of mentorship is the occasion for your protest.
- Steve’s band could play. They’ve been doing some Zaire polyrhythm stuff that could really help raise awareness.
- Getting the president of your university to step down is the only sure way to know if you were successful. Anything less will be a hollow victory.
- Above all, stay strong and never give up the fight! You don’t want to give “the man” the satisfaction of dismantling your demonstration by putting pressure on you or cordially agreeing to your terms.