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Tips

Choosing The Right Dog For You

Once you decide to get a dog, there’s a wide range of adoptable pets to choose from, whether it’s a mutt or purebred. The Onion offers some helpful tips for choosing the dog that’s right for you.

Choosing The Right School For Your Child

With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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Tips For Training Your Dog

Bringing a dog into the family can be as difficult as it is rewarding, and pet owners must set rules and boundaries for the newest members of their household. Here are The Onion’s tips for training your dog:

  • Start with simple commands like “sit” before working your way up to the more complicated ones like “fill the gaping void in my life.”
  • Remember that consistently good behavior will take time. You’re letting a fucking animal loose in your house.
  • Set a good example for your dog by never chasing after squirrels, no matter how badly you want to.
  • It’s important to establish dominance. Show your dog who’s boss by cleaning up its waste and paying for all its food.
  • Consistency is key. Remember to use the same expletive every time your dog chews up your shoes.
  • Dogs crave clear direction, so be sure to schedule yours for quarterly performance reviews.
  • Remain patient during training sessions with your dog, as English is not its first language.
  • Rather than simply saying “no” to your pet, engage it in a constructive dialogue about the moralistic implications of the undesired behavior.

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