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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Top 2011 College Football Matchups

Another great college season is upon us, and Onion Sports analysts have made their picks for the year’s most thrilling games.

  • Nebraska at Wisconsin, Oct. 1: The Huskers will be welcomed into the Big Ten with some hard-nosed defense and a small slice of Angel food cake
  • Wisconsin at Ohio State, Oct. 29: Sure to be a good game, possibly for Big Ten superiority but almost certainly to determine which of these two teams will eventually get its ass kicked in a bowl game by a mid-ranked SEC team
  • LSU at Alabama, Nov. 5: This matchup could decide which team goes to the national title game, or maybe they will both lose all their games before this, or maybe we will all get a deadly flu virus and die
  • Texas at Texas A&M, Nov. 24: Heralded Texas schools make yet another attempt at breaking the record for most Garretts on a field at once
  • Alabama at Auburn, Nov. 26: Latest chapter in storied 118-year-old rivalry will settle once and for all which team is the winner of this year's game
  • Southern at Grambling State, Nov. 26: These teams seem to play every year, though you have no idea which division they’re in, why they're on TV, or why you're watching the entire game and actually rooting for one of them
  • Ohio State at Michigan, Nov. 26: The greatest rivalry in all of college football will look like total shit again this year

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