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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Top Advantages Of Ditching Cable

  • Approximately 45 square feet of coffee table space now freed of various remote controls
  • Cable company will no longer have 24-7 access to a live feed of your apartment
  • The house will weigh slightly less, if that’s something you’re concerned about
  • Warm parting embrace from cable guy as he disconnects your service for good
  • Fleeting satisfaction of keeping up with the times until the next form of groundbreaking multimedia emerges

Escape your contract and get up to 65 channels and over 10,000 hours of video on demand with Sling TV. Learn more at sling.com.

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