adBlockCheck

Top Advantages Of Ditching Cable

Top Headlines

Recent News

Secretary Of Interior Unveils Plans For New High-Speed Creek

WASHINGTON—Calling the $650 million project the “future of America’s pastoral waterways,” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell unveiled the agency’s plans for a new high-speed creek Thursday that would reportedly connect Weybridge, VT with the adjacent town of Addison.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

The Pros And Cons Of Affirmative Action

The Supreme Court upheld a challenge to the University of Texas at Austin’s affirmative action program Thursday, reigniting debate over the merits of policies that favor members of groups frequently targeted by discrimination. Here are the pros and cons of affirmative action
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Top Advantages Of Ditching Cable

  • Approximately 45 square feet of coffee table space now freed of various remote controls
  • Cable company will no longer have 24-7 access to a live feed of your apartment
  • The house will weigh slightly less, if that’s something you’re concerned about
  • Warm parting embrace from cable guy as he disconnects your service for good
  • Fleeting satisfaction of keeping up with the times until the next form of groundbreaking multimedia emerges

Escape your contract and get up to 65 channels and over 10,000 hours of video on demand with Sling TV. Learn more at sling.com.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close