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Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Top Books Of 2012

  • Smolder by Stephenie Meyer: Meyer reprises her Twilight-series success with this book: 283 pages of variations on the phrase “smoldering vampire eyes”
  • Proof Of Heaven by Eben Alexander III: Following a near-death experience, a neurosurgeon brings back a secret casserole recipe from Dennis Hopper as proof of the afterlife
  • Hey, I Remembered Some More Stuff by Tony Bennett: The legendary crooner follows up his hit memoir Life Is A Gift with some new stuff he just remembered (37 pages)
  • Book #1 In A Supernatural Trilogy by A Housewife in Missouri: To be a major motion picture in summer 2015
  • 23 Years Of ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’ by Tom Bergeron: This beautiful coffee table book looks back at some of the greatest slips, falls, and mishaps of the past quarter century
  • 500 Sudoku Puzzles by Christopher Chase: The story of how one man, Christopher Chase, embarked on an arduous yet deeply rewarding journey to complete 500 Sudoku puzzles
  • The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge by The Onion: The most essential and authoritative book ever written in the history of human civilization, this august encyclopedia features thousands of entries for all 27 letters of the alphabet and contains the sum total of all knowledge in the universe. Must be purchased immediately to avoid the sting of eternal ignorance
  • ‘Assassin’s Creed III’ Strategy Guide by Ubisoft: Includes a detailed walkthrough of how your life ended up like this

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