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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Top Books Of 2012

  • Smolder by Stephenie Meyer: Meyer reprises her Twilight-series success with this book: 283 pages of variations on the phrase “smoldering vampire eyes”
  • Proof Of Heaven by Eben Alexander III: Following a near-death experience, a neurosurgeon brings back a secret casserole recipe from Dennis Hopper as proof of the afterlife
  • Hey, I Remembered Some More Stuff by Tony Bennett: The legendary crooner follows up his hit memoir Life Is A Gift with some new stuff he just remembered (37 pages)
  • Book #1 In A Supernatural Trilogy by A Housewife in Missouri: To be a major motion picture in summer 2015
  • 23 Years Of ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’ by Tom Bergeron: This beautiful coffee table book looks back at some of the greatest slips, falls, and mishaps of the past quarter century
  • 500 Sudoku Puzzles by Christopher Chase: The story of how one man, Christopher Chase, embarked on an arduous yet deeply rewarding journey to complete 500 Sudoku puzzles
  • The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge by The Onion: The most essential and authoritative book ever written in the history of human civilization, this august encyclopedia features thousands of entries for all 27 letters of the alphabet and contains the sum total of all knowledge in the universe. Must be purchased immediately to avoid the sting of eternal ignorance
  • ‘Assassin’s Creed III’ Strategy Guide by Ubisoft: Includes a detailed walkthrough of how your life ended up like this

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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