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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Top Movies Of 2012

  • Men In Black 3: The third installment in the popular franchise answers the question “What would happen if there was a third Men In Black movie?”
  • What To Expect When You’re Expecting: Cameron Diaz discovers the cat feces responsible for her toxoplasmosis
  • The Grey: Liam Neeson will stop at nothing to survive in his latest movie where he does that
  • Zero Dark Thirty: This critically acclaimed movie was stuck in development for more than a decade until the military could kill or capture Osama bin Laden
  • Gravitas: Sir Ian McKellen gravely intones about a dark wind coming while riding on horseback for 112 minutes
  • Ted: Seth McFarlane’s debut feature earned the highest possible rating of five stars from the National Brothers-In-Law Motion Picture Review Board
  • Molly Ogden’s 1989 Kindergarten Choir Performance In 3D: The 14-minute camcorder classic, which features a disinterested young Molly yawning her way through Peabody Elementary’s Winter Concert, wowed audiences nationwide in eye-popping IMAX 3D
  • The Amazing Spider-Man: A movie that was released between The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises
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