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Top Movies Of 2013

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Top Movies Of 2013

  • After Earth: Audiences were thrilled by this tale of a father desperately trying to carve out a successful film career for his young teenage son.
  • Gravity: The space thriller topped the box office nationwide, but was widely panned by critics as shameless astronaut bait.
  • Before Midnight: The final installment in Richard Linklater’s Before trilogy, in which we finally find out what happened to Sorantha (Julie Delpy). Will the Goblin Queen triumph over the lands of I’Rwo? Or will Pit (Ethan Hawke) collect the ancient talismans?
  • Grown Ups 2: A movie made by and starring individuals who have attained their greatest dreams in life. Think about that. Most of us will never even get within arm’s length of our true desires.
  • Despicable Me 2: This Universal film certainly delivered on its tagline, “God is Dead.”
  • The Glass Horse: This stirring and beautiful tale of a French teen coming of age in the prewar Provence countryside was named movie of the year by famed critic H. S. Brunley, won the coveted Silver Flower at the Bruges Fête du Cinéma, was nominated for a record nine Mirage Awards, and took home a Gillespie for the performance by its breakout star, Whisper Adams.
  • Man Of Steel: Audiences were disappointed this summer to see a large goose cast as Superman.
  • WorkSew TA8-1W Heavy Leather Industrial Sewing Machine Instructional Video: This masterful film quickly and clearly articulated all of the many new features of the machine, including its expanded 1/2” presser foot clearance and powerful new feed mechanism.
  • Captain Phillips: The Paul Greengrass work was most noteworthy for using an actual full-scale replica of Tom Hanks.
  • Elysium: In this futuristic sci-fi thriller, the rich and powerful occupy the luxurious space station Elysium while the rest of humanity lives in the ruins of Earth, a plot some critics read way too much into and actually thought was some sort of commentary on modern society. Christ, it’s just a fucking movie.

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