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Top Movies Of 2013

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Entertainment

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Top Movies Of 2013

  • After Earth: Audiences were thrilled by this tale of a father desperately trying to carve out a successful film career for his young teenage son.
  • Gravity: The space thriller topped the box office nationwide, but was widely panned by critics as shameless astronaut bait.
  • Before Midnight: The final installment in Richard Linklater’s Before trilogy, in which we finally find out what happened to Sorantha (Julie Delpy). Will the Goblin Queen triumph over the lands of I’Rwo? Or will Pit (Ethan Hawke) collect the ancient talismans?
  • Grown Ups 2: A movie made by and starring individuals who have attained their greatest dreams in life. Think about that. Most of us will never even get within arm’s length of our true desires.
  • Despicable Me 2: This Universal film certainly delivered on its tagline, “God is Dead.”
  • The Glass Horse: This stirring and beautiful tale of a French teen coming of age in the prewar Provence countryside was named movie of the year by famed critic H. S. Brunley, won the coveted Silver Flower at the Bruges Fête du Cinéma, was nominated for a record nine Mirage Awards, and took home a Gillespie for the performance by its breakout star, Whisper Adams.
  • Man Of Steel: Audiences were disappointed this summer to see a large goose cast as Superman.
  • WorkSew TA8-1W Heavy Leather Industrial Sewing Machine Instructional Video: This masterful film quickly and clearly articulated all of the many new features of the machine, including its expanded 1/2” presser foot clearance and powerful new feed mechanism.
  • Captain Phillips: The Paul Greengrass work was most noteworthy for using an actual full-scale replica of Tom Hanks.
  • Elysium: In this futuristic sci-fi thriller, the rich and powerful occupy the luxurious space station Elysium while the rest of humanity lives in the ruins of Earth, a plot some critics read way too much into and actually thought was some sort of commentary on modern society. Christ, it’s just a fucking movie.

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