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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Top NHL Playoff Contenders

Hockey's second season, the Stanley Cup playoffs, is upon us, and Onion Sports breaks down the top contenders.

  • New York Rangers: Should be in for a dramatic playoffs, both because their game is built around goaltending and because they'll be playing home games at the Metropolitan Opera House
  • Vancouver Canucks: Their fans will brutally murder the children they have taken hostage if any team beats the Canucks, so it looks like smooth sailing for Vancouver
  • Boston Bruins: Last year's champs may go down early, since they know winning the Stanley Cup isn't as great as everyone thinks
  • St. Louis Blues: Second in the West with 107 points, though they came in 107 overtime losses
  • Florida Panthers: A strong third seed, tenacious on the forecheck, and dangerous in transition, but we're sorry, there just shouldn't be a damn hockey team in Florida
  • Los Angeles Kings: Goalie Jonathan Quick leads the NHL in shutouts, which is great for him, but very inconsiderate to fans of the other teams.
  • Pittsburgh Penguins: A sure Cup contender, barring the inconceivable possibility that someone figures out some way to keep the invincible Sidney Crosby down
  • Detroit Red Wings: Has great home-ice advantage thanks to the strong support they receive from their fan base and the begrudging support they receive from those dating their cute fan base

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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