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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Top NHL Playoff Contenders

Hockey's second season, the Stanley Cup playoffs, is upon us, and Onion Sports breaks down the top contenders.

  • New York Rangers: Should be in for a dramatic playoffs, both because their game is built around goaltending and because they'll be playing home games at the Metropolitan Opera House
  • Vancouver Canucks: Their fans will brutally murder the children they have taken hostage if any team beats the Canucks, so it looks like smooth sailing for Vancouver
  • Boston Bruins: Last year's champs may go down early, since they know winning the Stanley Cup isn't as great as everyone thinks
  • St. Louis Blues: Second in the West with 107 points, though they came in 107 overtime losses
  • Florida Panthers: A strong third seed, tenacious on the forecheck, and dangerous in transition, but we're sorry, there just shouldn't be a damn hockey team in Florida
  • Los Angeles Kings: Goalie Jonathan Quick leads the NHL in shutouts, which is great for him, but very inconsiderate to fans of the other teams.
  • Pittsburgh Penguins: A sure Cup contender, barring the inconceivable possibility that someone figures out some way to keep the invincible Sidney Crosby down
  • Detroit Red Wings: Has great home-ice advantage thanks to the strong support they receive from their fan base and the begrudging support they receive from those dating their cute fan base

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