Top NHL Playoff Contenders

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Vol 48 Issue 15

April 17

Sandalwood Circle residents are advised that the Baumgartners will be having pretty loud sex this Tuesday shortly after 9 p.m.

Glass Ceiling Business

"All the feminist movement needed to do was bring on someone who had the balls to do something about this glass ceiling business." - Peter "Buck" McGowan, chief of the worldwide initiative for women's rights
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Top NHL Playoff Contenders

Hockey's second season, the Stanley Cup playoffs, is upon us, and Onion Sports breaks down the top contenders.

  • New York Rangers: Should be in for a dramatic playoffs, both because their game is built around goaltending and because they'll be playing home games at the Metropolitan Opera House
  • Vancouver Canucks: Their fans will brutally murder the children they have taken hostage if any team beats the Canucks, so it looks like smooth sailing for Vancouver
  • Boston Bruins: Last year's champs may go down early, since they know winning the Stanley Cup isn't as great as everyone thinks
  • St. Louis Blues: Second in the West with 107 points, though they came in 107 overtime losses
  • Florida Panthers: A strong third seed, tenacious on the forecheck, and dangerous in transition, but we're sorry, there just shouldn't be a damn hockey team in Florida
  • Los Angeles Kings: Goalie Jonathan Quick leads the NHL in shutouts, which is great for him, but very inconsiderate to fans of the other teams.
  • Pittsburgh Penguins: A sure Cup contender, barring the inconceivable possibility that someone figures out some way to keep the invincible Sidney Crosby down
  • Detroit Red Wings: Has great home-ice advantage thanks to the strong support they receive from their fan base and the begrudging support they receive from those dating their cute fan base
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