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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Top NHL Playoff Contenders

Hockey's second season, the Stanley Cup playoffs, is upon us, and Onion Sports breaks down the top contenders.

  • New York Rangers: Should be in for a dramatic playoffs, both because their game is built around goaltending and because they'll be playing home games at the Metropolitan Opera House
  • Vancouver Canucks: Their fans will brutally murder the children they have taken hostage if any team beats the Canucks, so it looks like smooth sailing for Vancouver
  • Boston Bruins: Last year's champs may go down early, since they know winning the Stanley Cup isn't as great as everyone thinks
  • St. Louis Blues: Second in the West with 107 points, though they came in 107 overtime losses
  • Florida Panthers: A strong third seed, tenacious on the forecheck, and dangerous in transition, but we're sorry, there just shouldn't be a damn hockey team in Florida
  • Los Angeles Kings: Goalie Jonathan Quick leads the NHL in shutouts, which is great for him, but very inconsiderate to fans of the other teams.
  • Pittsburgh Penguins: A sure Cup contender, barring the inconceivable possibility that someone figures out some way to keep the invincible Sidney Crosby down
  • Detroit Red Wings: Has great home-ice advantage thanks to the strong support they receive from their fan base and the begrudging support they receive from those dating their cute fan base

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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